I'm going to transcript what I wrote in my journal Sunday evening with some minor edits:
I'm at Sunday evening service, but I started crying during the singing and craving the blue sky and my journal. So many things, let's see if I can write them all.
The main feeling I have right now is a deep homesickness. But not even primarily for Tulsa. It's more of an AIM-sickness, or maybe not... I miss Denver City area church. I miss my AIM class. I miss Mexico. I miss Lubbock-now. I miss the Rush family, too much. And I miss Toby, and Chutney, and Jennie, and Miguel, and everyone.
Another thing I'm experiencing is a kind of identity shock. I almost have to remind myself, I'm not an AIMer anymore. People aren't just going to invite me to their homes just because. I'm balancing real life with missional living, or something, I mean I'm not a "missionary" but I still want to live missionally and that is confusing. I'm a single girl, alone, no team, no coordinator, no family [here], no significant other. I have friends and I have a church and I have roommates. That's all. And it's good, and it's enough, but that's all, and it's less than I'm used to.
I'm already overwhelmed with the idea of creating new best friends and new mentor-relationships. I mean, how many am I already keeping up with, and which ones will fall by the wayside?
And so all of these things and more are happening inside, and I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I think if I had my car I'd have just left already, but as it is there's all these new people and I don't want them to think strange things about me. And at the same time, I'm like, well, I'm at the church for crying out loud, if this place isn't safe to be real, what is? I don't want to appear unstable, yet I don't want to fake happiness. It's rough.
But then just now Carol came out, I mean, I don't even know her and she gave me a hug and asked if I was homesick. :) Then Kelcey came out right after service was over and we got to talk a bit. It'll be OK, no, more than OK. It'll be good. It is good. Just doesn't mean that it will be easy.
I love you God. Thank you for providing for me. Help me to grow and to not be afraid, to not hate myself like I can sometimes. Thank you for loving me more than I even love myself, so much more than I love you, and I'm sorry for that, God. I do love you - increase my love, God. Blessed be your name.
Hello out there!
9 months ago