A good book I'm reading

My sister Lindsay gave me a book for Christmas called Into the Den of Infidels. It's a few stories about Muslims who became Christians. It's been really great for me to read, giving me fresh perspective on my faith and reminding me simultaneously of the need and hope for the Muslim world. One guy wrote this and I've been thinking about it a lot lately:

One day, many questions arose in my mind and totally changed my life from an ordinary one to a life full of surprises and changes. This day was the day I started high school. That period is very important to everyone, in my opinion, for in that period one starts to search for one's identity, to scrutinize things taken for granted.

Each of us has inherited our religion, language, race, and gender. No one has chosen any of these factors, important as they are and very effective in forming us. We deal with this compulsory inheritance with ourselves, with God, and with others. For example, we as Muslims are born and raised to hate Jews and Christians, and to believe that Muslims are the best people in the whole world. No one could ever imagine that the others (Jews, Christians, etc.) could be right at all. This idea of others being right never even existed, not once in a blue moon.

Very few people would think of examining the things we inherited, or of questioning how right this inheritance was. If we ask others (Jews and Christians) to examine their inheritance and correct it, it means we are very sure that they are wrong, and we consider them blind because they accept their inheritance without examination. It would be appropriate if we would to what we asked of others. (It's logical that you treat people the same way you would have them treat you.) I think that examining our inheritance and trying to discover the truth would make us deeply rooted in the good areas and more flexible to change the areas of ignorance and vanity. Surely the true God loves people who search for the truth, the light, the good, and the better life.

This has been what I've tried to do for a long time, starting even before this man says, way back in middle school. After a lot of questions and tears and confusion for many years, I finally decided to really give my life to Christ when I was 19. However, I still examine these things all of the time. It's a bit of a different process since I have decided to be a Christian and since I've grown to trust God and the Bible, but nonetheless I'm always asking questions about what exactly [this] means or if [that] really is compatible with God's word or if I can really believe the implications of [that]. It's not easy. But it's good.

I especially find myself examining my faith when I'm studying with others, even more especially when they have an inheritance completely and utterly different than mine, like my friend Momoko from Japan. She asks questions that I would have never even thought to ask. And it's not easy to find the answers together, but it's good, because like that man says, "Surely the true God loves people who search for the truth, the light, the good, and the better life." Or like the Bible says, "And without faith it is impossible to please him [God], because whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him" (Hebrews 11:6).

Have you examined your inheritance? Have you changed your faith over the years, pruning and growing? What have you found? What would you have me find too?

Brownbag - Camp Adventure

(A letter written to the people in Lubbock who are in the same program as me, plus some campers and other wonderful people:)

Hey all you lovely people. I really wish I could be sitting with you guys right now, but seeing as I’d already come to Lubbock in October, I didn’t want to overdo it. Just know that I love you! I struggle between extremes of feeling like I have way too much to say and that I have nothing to say at all… so I’ll try to make this worthwhile.

We talk a lot about spiritual gifted-ness and DISC tests and all of that stuff, and I do think it’s good and important to recognize our strengths and weaknesses. But honestly, when you’re being Christ and involved in others' lives, you’re going to be called to do lots of different things, whether you’re comfortable with it or not. Take the opportunities in front of you to really give what is needed. If someone needs help with English, teach energetically. If you’re talking about the Gospel, do it without shame. If you’re volunteering at a park or a hospital, work your hardest. If you’re listening to someone’s story, do it with patience. If you’re praying with someone, whatever denomination or religion or lack thereof they may be, pray knowing that God is listening and answering with good gifts. I know not everyone is going to a foreign field, but I got great advice from Brent of the ’06 Peru team (if you’re there, hey! :D) that when you’re learning a new language, remember that it’s always better to say something encouraging, even if you’re grammar’s wrong, than to not say anything at all.

What I’m trying to say is do what’s in front of you and do it your best. There will be times when you’re disappointed, when people you’ve invested so much in still decide to love the world more than their God, when you have no idea how to answer someone’s questions adequately, when you just feel useless. I love Psalm 62 during these times; verses 5-8 say “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.” Remember your own salvation, and take hope in that. Remember that you are no one’s savior, rather you are a servant of the only one who saves. Romans 12:9 through the end of the chapter is great too, but especially verse 12 – “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

And please, please remember that God doesn’t only strengthen us when we’re locked in a closet with him. Praying and studying the Bible and journaling and fasting… all of these things are really good. But God made us a part of a Body – draw strength from them. You can even draw strength from serving other people. It’s like eating and exercising – exercising is hard work, and you’d pass out if you hadn’t eaten anything, but do you honestly expect to be as healthy and happy as you could be without it? So to make it brief, take the opportunities you have, with love, and trust God to make something beautiful out of it even when you don’t understand. That goes for wherever we are for the rest of our lives.

Shout outs:

Any Grass Valley AIMers, past, present, future – I absolutely love you and can’t wait til I see you again.

To Lindsey Vivian – Have you managed to break any more chairs with your tiny self? :D I love you and your energetic hugs. Let’s hold hands again someday soon.

To Lily – I love that you respond to my many status updates. I love you too. Come visit!

To Ginger – I had a dream I was playing with your hair and you had green streaks in it. Crazy, no? I miss you and can’t wait til you visit.

To the Tulsa campers – I never got to come to Camp Adventure until I was an AIMer – hope you have a great time!

To Cairen – I love you and love that you’re with people I love. :D

To all ‘07ers – I wish I didn’t have to wait another year to see all your faces again.

To Rachel Holler (and Amanda if she’s there) – thanks for making Camp Adventure good memories.

I love you everyone and I’m praying for you.

I still feel like I have nothing to say... but here goes anyway. :)

I'm grateful for what I have, but sometimes I still feel like I have too much. An easy answer to this might be, well, get rid of some stuff. But when it's the place that I live that feels like too much, it's not really that easy. Having space in our apartments has been good for when people come to stay and when we had small groups here and Clara's birthday party, but for the most part, I just feel like it's not necessary. Not bad maybe, just not necessary.

Today was one of those days - Nancy came over, this time with her mom and her little brother. She was telling them, "Their kitchen is big, their rooms are big..." and her mom responded, "It is very nice." And I feel like I have too much.

I'm not saying that I need to live in poverty in order to be a Christian or anything, I'm just saying that if I really don't feel that something is necessary, and I'm living better than a lot of people around me, maybe that means I should be living differently.

We'll be moving most likely in August. I really like our apartment, but part of me is still looking forward to this.

I think that's it for now. We've started a small group for our area again, this time at the boys' apartment. So I'm off!

Hey blog, It's been awhile.

So today I was sick, cold-type stuff that I hope doesn't turn into sinus infection-type stuff.

Anyway, I've been having a hard time lately for lots of reasons that I really don't feel like typing. I'll just say that sometimes when the people you pour your life into are discouraged, it's hard not to become discouraged yourself. But yesterday things took a turn for the better in my perspective. Hope is always a good thing, like I always say. One thing that was oddly encouraging today was reading my journal from the beginning of my time here. I haven't been so good at journaling lately but before I did at least semi-frequently. Anyway, it was cool to see different things I had been learning in the Bible during those times and different things that were really hard, that maybe aren't so hard anymore. Nice to see progress and to be reminded of good things.

I loved having all the AIMers here recently, plus all the Lubbock people and several classmates and AIMers from '06. All in all there were almost 100 people visiting Mexico City - beautiful chaos. I think my favorite parts were chatting with Ginger and Lily and singing with everyone. It was crazy when, after the majority of the group went home, we still had 10 girls staying in our apartment altogether, and the guys had 6 in theirs. I especially liked seeing the Honduras girls from my class (I miss them!) and getting to know the guys who went to Peru in the class before mine.

Tonight I'm going to hang out with Tara Linn, my friend who went to Japan in the '03 AIM class with other good friends like Daniel Lee. Anyway, she just moved here when the AIMers came and it's been really good to spend time with her. She's going through some hard culture shock, just knowing how to be safe but not paranoid, and the language barrier is discouraging. But she'll make it, I'm sure, just like we all have. :)

Ok I think that's it for now. I think I'm going to try to get on this thing more, after being inspired from reading my journal today. We'll see.

Wow.

My life has been really crazy lately, and really beautiful. I've had some of the hardest conversations with some Mexican friends thus far, but God answers our prayers with good things. I've learned some really painful histories of other friends here too, and it breaks my heart as I know how much God hates sin. I feel completely reconciled after tears and over-long anger with some of my teammates here, which is totally amazing. I've gotten to be a friend to a person who felt like they didn't really have any others at the time, a great opportunity. Bible studies continue as people become more and more personally engaged in what the Word has to say for their own lives. The weather has, though no ice storms, given us dry heat that I forgot existed, downpours from absolutely nowhere, and beautiful warmth that makes me want to stay outside all day. Birthday parties, ice-skating, park days, making art and reading new J.K. Rowling all have been just plain fun. I feel like Mexico has shown me some of its worst and God has shown me some of his best. I love it here - even when it's dark, God's grace shines the brighter, and I'm learning just as much (/more?) from these people even as I'm teaching. I just wrote a bunch of cards to supporters letting them know how utterly grateful I am to have this opportunity to be here.

I know these are just names to most of you, but would you pray for these people, even just once? Luz and her family, Nancy and her family, Grecia and her family, Rocío, all of our English students, Momoko, Clara and her family, the Chavez-Durán family, Norma, my team, the next AIM team coming in May, Quinton, Tara Linn, Thomas, Claudia and her family, Ana and her friends, Cris, Israel and Nelly. These are just some people that have been on my heart especially lately. I wish you could meet them all, but hey, we have a hope for the future eh? I'm also really looking forward to the 2008 AIM class' visit here in just over a week...

And as a random note to end, I'm going to embark on an adventure called Thing-a-Day (www.thing-a-day.com). I was invited by a friend in Nevada City via Facebook to join a group of artists in making one thing every day in February. I'm not sure if I'll actually pull through, but I have lots of ideas brewing and maybe this is the inspiration I needed to get some of them done. I'll share the results with you. Feel free to join! :)

Facts about Agape love from 1 John

Just for a quick update, being in the States for Christmas, my brother's wedding, and New Year's was absolutely wonderful. I spent good quality time with my family, whom I miss very much when I'm here in Mexico, and some good friends too. The wedding was beautiful and so happy! I loved my visit, and felt very satisfied when it was time to come back to the City. I really do love it here too.

Before I get back to work on some things, I wanted to share what I've been learning about love from 1 John. I find that it helps me remember when I share things with other people.

1) Keeping God's Word means being perfected in His love. Loving one another is his message from the beginning, his commandment for us. (2:5; 3:11, 23; 3:23; 4:21)

2) Loving one another also means being perfected in His love. (4:12) It means abiding in the light (2:10), loving God and obeying him (5:2-3), not stumbling in the darkness (2:10), and God abiding in you for the world to see (4:12). We cannot really love God if we do not love one another (4:20-21; 5:1).

3) Being perfected in love causes us to have confidence in the day of judgment, so that we don't fear, because perfect love and fear cannot coexist. (4:17-18)

4) Loving "worldly things" (desires of the flesh, desires of the eyes, pride in possessions) is the opposite of loving God. (2:15)

5) God has loved us by calling us his sons (3:1) and by Christ's sacrifice (3:16; 4:9-10). He loved us first (4:9-11, 19).

6) If we are really God's sons, we love our brothers (3:1; 4:7, 11). If we don't love, we're not really his children (3:10; 4:7-8).

7) Love is life. Not loving is death. (3:14; 4:9).

8) Love is from God. Loving means we know God (4:7).

9) God IS love (4:8, 16). Abiding in love means that God abides in us, and us in him - reciprocal, mutual love (4:16).

10) Love and truth are irrevocably connected. We must believe in the love of God (3:18; 4:16).

Romance, discontent, brokennes, renewal

As the title suggests, I have a lot on my mind, and I'm going to try to make this coherent.

Everyone has something that distracts them. Well, actually, I believe everyone has several things that distract them... Yet I've come to know that the biggest distraction for me is one that I believe is very common: romantic relationships. I'm not exactly referring to being *in* a relationship and being distracted, seeing as I have only been in one legit relationship in my entire life. Instead, I build dreams around people when I see the potential, and those dreams become distracting. When I see that they aren't being realized, when I still feel lonely, then comes something that is very, very unhealthy.

Discontent. I don't feel depressed or despairing or anything that dramatic, just this dull discontent that robs my joy and thankfulness. No wonder envy is referred to as idolatry. When I feel discontent with my current state of being, it is the most difficult to praise God, really. It's almost as though I can't think of things to be thankful for nor to ask for - everything just seems hollow, and I'm terrified that I won't receive whatever I believe will make me happy.

And then it happens. The *it* is a little different every time, and maybe that's why it's called brokenness. Suddenly, the hope of my fill-in-the-blank dream disappears with a horrible snap and I'm left with heavy disappointment.

This has happened countless times in my life (and I'm sure in yours too) but very specifically, I'm referring to the loneliness of a broken dream of being *with* someone. It doesn't matter who broke it. I remember the first time I experienced this: I was 10, and my response was intense bitterness. (Got started early, eh?) Then at 14, I cried for what seemed like hours in my mom's arms, sobbing "I don't want to let go" again and again. Then after highschool, overwhelmed by guilt and curled up crying alone. A few years later, less tears, a bit more trust. Again, and again.

The most recent time was the same pain, the same self-given lies, the same loneliness, but more than ever I became aware of this strength that was most definitely not my own. Maybe it's because we'd just been studying brokenness, maybe it's because of the Leeland song I'd been listening to, but I remembered, I experienced a healing even in the midst of the pain. The verse in Lamentations comes to mind, "The Lord is my portion says my soul; therefore I will hope in him."

Even in the wake of broken dreams, there is a hope that God is ever-present, God is good, and God only does good things in my life. Sometimes good things don't feel good. But how can I know what the outcome of any given situation would be? Maybe God is protecting me from a worse pain. Maybe he is preparing me for something even deeper.

Or maybe he can just take any situation, no matter how ugly or stupid, and use it to remind me that he is enough and I can trust him.

Jesus cried in the garden, knowing that God could take away his suffering on the cross. Yet he trusted him to the end. God wants me to be conformed to this very image, a daughter who cries out my deepest longings even while I trust that his will is more perfect than mine, and I can and will submit.

I'm afraid I'm not explaining myself well. God isn't pleased by discontent or betrayal or any sin, of course, but like I've said before, just because something is evil, doesn't mean God can't bring good out of it. Just because God can bring good out of it, doesn't make it any less evil.

The point is, even through my ugly weakness of loneliness and my perhaps silly repeated dreams of finding the person I'll spend the rest of my life with, God is my strength. Even when I feel like I keep making the same mistakes and feeling the same disappointments, I can see that in reality I am in fact growing, just like he promised.

And that strength in weakness, that constant presence and unfailing love that no one else in this fallen world can offer me (that I can't offer anyone else), that saving grace, it all makes me fall in love with this God even more, trusting him with everything.

The cycle will begin again, like the moon waxing and waning, like summer to autumn to winter to spring. But every time, I learn something new. I'm conformed. I grow. And that makes the brokenness worth it. Maybe it'll be a different situation someday, but the same hope will prevail.

I'm sure of it.