Stranger in a Foreign Land

Panama

2011-03-20T21:44:00.001-07:00

I really did mean to write a blog before I left a couple of weeks ago, mostly about our crazy snow and missing work and no power and fun snow walks and friendly visits and so on... but I never did. I would have also loved to tell you about the Albino show (jazzy jam band + fire tribe performances)... but there's wasn't time. So now you get to hear about my trips instead.

I went to Panama with my brother for just 4 days, but they were impacting to say the least. After flying overnight (read: little sleep), I met him at the Houston airport and we flew to Panama City. We immediately went to the Embera Drua village (taking an insanely rugged road to a river where we road in a canoe to the village - no roads there). The village is home to one of the tribes of the Embera people who decades ago moved into the region because of warfare in the Darien region on the Columbian border. They maintain their cultural identity, with limited influence from the outside world.

My brother became connected with them originally by going as a tourist, which is their main source of income, since they are not allowed by the Panamanian government to farm on the land. Since then, he's gone on more visits and gotten to know the people better, and with a friend decided to ask them what they might like help with. Their response was to have their youth educated. The goal of the trip was to bring them the money for the scholarships that Joseph puts together for any middle school, high school, or university students, because education beyond the 6th grade isn't available in the village itself, and most everyone needs help to be able to afford schooling in the city. Usually my sister-in-law goes too, but this time had schedule conflicts, so Joseph asked me if I could go as an interpreter. Of course, I said Yes!

In the village, we:

-said hi to everyone and played with the kids.
-sang and read some scriptures with Jinko.
-held a meeting to see how the students were doing and take their scholarship applications.
-told Joseph's story of how he's needed financial aid in the past and why he wants to give to others and encouraged them to give back to their community through their education.
-saw their cultural presentation for a group of tourists from Canada.
-met with some of the leaders of the village about the scholarships and discussed their goals as a people and how their education will help them accomplish these goals.
-looked over the applications and distributed the scholarship money to about 17 students.
-watched The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe with some of the kids.
-talked with a mother who's past mistakes have led her family to be ostracized and tried to encourage her and offered her help.
-ate delicious food.
-heard and saw lots of wildlife, including an adorable river otter and a tiny monkey.

We were in Panama City for a couple of days too, since originally we planned to turn in the tuition money ourselves, but realized since it was Carnival (Mardi Gras), the schools would be closed anyway. We brought the mom I mentioned and her kids with us to try to by one of the girls' things for school, but the stores were closed as well. So, we settled on taking them to McDonald's, since that is something really special for them.

We got to experience some of the Carnival celebration too - getting sprayed with water and "espuma" (foam, kind of like shaving cream) and confetti while cramming into the street with hundreds of Panamanians dancing and eating and drinking and laughing and having a grand holiday. It was great! One kid got me so good with his water gun that I screamed. A few different people were looking out for us and told us what streets to stay away from, and also asked us where we were from and how we were enjoying the party. Very nice people, and very diverse too, especially compared to Mexico City.

We also looked around the old downtown, but everything, again, was closed. It was fun to ride around the city and see the buildings though. We went back to the hotel to rest before going out again, but were so tired that we just decided to order room service (great Panamanian food!) and watch movies. The next day we just hung out and talked. It was nice to have time to spend with my brother amidst the craziness.

I could say so much more, but this is long enough. I'll just sum it up to say that I learned that the language barrier is honestly the biggest barrier in connecting with other people, because even though these people's lives are incredibly different than mine, I felt connected with them, partly because of their relationship with my brother, but mostly because I could communicate with them. It was a really amazing and humbling experience.

I'll save my Lubbock tales for next time.

February flying by

2011-02-22T00:50:00.000-08:00

Reading, doubting, crying, loving, laughing, dancing, working, praising, experiencing, discussing, calling, writing, creating, singing, hugging, sleeping...

It's always ironic how time will go by because I feel like I have nothing to say, then once I finally sit down to update, I inevitably feel like there's too much.

Bullet points:

-I went to a Quaker meeting for the first time and loved hearing Leland's Iraq presentation.
-We've started having Spanish conversation nights, finally, and they are a success!
-Lots of parties and get-togethers, grand old times, even if they are inspired by goodbyes. (My friend Billi moved to Tulsa; oh the irony of life.)
-I read a book by an atheist, and many subsequent conversations have really stimulated my faith even in the face of deep questions and doubts.
-I'm still profusely missing Mexico, not least of all for the fact that many of my friends visited a couple of weeks ago.
-I'm going to Panama with Joseph for a few days next month, then visiting Lubbock for '08 graduation.

There is more. But that is enough. :)

Houston, cell phones, and vitamins

2011-02-03T16:49:00.000-08:00

So, as you may remember, I went to Houston for a few days to see Julieta Venegas in concert with my brother Joseph and got to see my sister Lerin, her family, and my parents as an awesome bonus. It was really fun! It would have been more fun if I hadn't have been sick the whole time... but you know, that's how it goes sometimes. I got to play lots of Simon Says, Hide and Seek, Candy Land, etc. and I even dressed up like a princess to be saved by "Batman" and "Batgirl" from dinosaurs, hahaha. I also got to play Rummikub and Yahtzee with the grown ups. :) And going to the concert with my brother was super fun - we were so close and she did most of my favorite songs and so fabulously! Four days went by really quickly, although the plane rides seemed awfully long with excruciating ear pain and a stomachache, but hey, I survived!

One consequence of my trip and being sick and a little out of it (or as my mom says, I'm just always a mess) is that I left my phone in Houston. I never realized how incredibly dependent I am on it. I made plans to call two friends, which has been infinitely complicated. I had to borrow an alarm clock that I didn't work right and therefore was late to work this morning. I never seem to know what time it is. I'm always wondering if someone is trying to get ahold of me. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm bored and have no one to text. I hardly know anyone's phone number and can't call anyone to make plans or ask questions. And I didn't even know my work schedule because I had saved it in a note on my phone. It's so crazy how much I use that tiny object!

Earlier when I was at the grocery store to buy juice, I decided to stock up on some medicine. I don't like using medicine if I can help it, but sometimes it's really handy to have Mucinex or Alavert around. Also, I've decided to cut out milk temporarily to see if that helps my stomach out, so I bought calcium suppliments. To my delight, the vitamins were buy one get one free. So I was about to call someone to see if they could advise me as to what my other vitamin should be. Of course, I realized I didn't have my phone, so I settled on iron suppliments and hoped that was a good choice.

I have a lot more to say about thinking positively, being somewhat of a perfectionist, and praying constantly, but that must all be left for another time.

longing

2011-01-26T21:12:00.000-08:00

This week I reinstated my Tulsa tradition of staying after work late (or here sometimes going early) in order to have some special time dedicated to prayer, reading or journaling. I've only done this twice so far and already I feel so blessed to have this routine forming. It's so hard for me to read or pray at home when there is so much to be distracted by - the internet, fun roommates, chores, etc. So when I'm outside somewhere, even if there are people around, it's so much easier to focus.

Today, I started by writing this: "I want the music I make and poems I write and art I create to instill a longing for something more in the listeners, readers, and viewers - I want them to want heaven. I think most good music does that without even trying, even if the artist is unaware. I just want to acknowledge that from the start."

I've been thinking a lot about C.S. Lewis' comments on heaven, about how the Christians most focused on the next world are the ones who make the most difference in this one, about how every longing and feeling of nostalgia we endure is best recognized as a desire for the after-life with our Creator. Being a single twenty-something, I tend to get lonely, even surrounded by so many friends. I mean, I want a family someday, a husband and kids and everything. So sometimes it's hard to be just, me. But when I'm pining away for a certain person or even that general concept, or when I'm missing home or Mexico or family or friends or whatever, or even when I'm going through struggles with others or personally, I've started to use that as a prayer to God telling him about how much I'm excited for heaven and how happy I'll be to finally be completely satisfied in his perfect presence. And that hope makes me more content in this moment and maybe more able to live in the now in the way that I ought. Kind of ironic, maybe, but it seems to be doing me good these days.

On the radio the other day the Modest Mouse song "Ocean Breathes Salty" came on and I started singing along without realizing it. I used to have this CD but got rid of it when I realized this particular song was making fun of Christians - "For your sake I hope heaven and hell are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath (you missed, you missed). You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death (you missed, you missed)?" But then I got to thinking, you know, Paul said the same thing in a way. "If Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith... your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men... If the dead are not raised, let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die." But since Christ was risen, and heaven does exist, for that reason our hope is beyond this life, and our faith is the most valuable thing we have. That's why I got the symbol of this hope etched permanently on my skin. I hope to live a life that's different because of what I believe about when I die. "But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure."

Wow, that was long and maybe a bit heavy. I'll end on a completely random note: I started reading Harry Potter aloud to my roommate Jo every night, and it's so much fun for both of us, since she's completely new to all things Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling is a genius. And this is good practice for when I do have kids someday. :)

day off!

2011-01-19T15:18:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, all it takes is an iced soy latte from Starbucks to remind me that I'm so happy to be alive.

It's the little things: sleeping in, sunny skies, sitting by the creek, talking with friends, getting things done, listening to good music... It's been a good day off. I miss people and places, but I'm very present where I am.

And I'm extremely excited to enroll in school this fall. Tyler and I went to ask Sierra College questions. I'm going to apply for scholarships before the deadline next month. My residency status should be good to go by the time the semester starts August 22nd. (NOT the 13th, which scared me to death that I missed the living in CA for one year mark by only a few days!) I'm so ready to be going to classes and learning and working towards my degree again after so long.

Tonight I'm going to church with the youth girl's class, then headed to Jeffrey's to have a special night with friends and plan our poetry reading for the next Bistro event the 28th.

This verse stood out to me while I read today: "The teaching about the cross is foolishness to those who are being lost, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." - 1 Corinthians 1:18. I am always inspired by the present tense-ity of the Bible.

And lastly, my brother Joseph surprised me with a trip to Houston and a ticket to see Julieta Venegas, one of my favorite Mexican musicians, in just a week and a half! I bought her latest album to get ready for the concert, and I love it! The best part of course is that I'll get to see all of my family that I missed over Christmas.

failure, and hope

2011-01-16T19:12:00.000-08:00

I find it ironic that after writing yesterday's blog and having similar conversations with friends, today would be one of my grumpiest days ever at work. I didn't exactly call anyone a mean name, but I sure did let people and circumstances bother me excessively, and I complained a LOT. It's frustrating to fail, to prove myself weak and flawed. It's so much easier to talk about Jesus than to actually act like him.

And yet, there's hope. Tomorrow is a new day. This moment is a new moment.

Beyond that, there's the hope of heaven. This is what I mentioned yesterday when I said I had more on my mind; I've been thinking of heaven a lot these days. I've been contemplating what is really means to be the bride of Christ, longing for the day when I will truly be entirely satisfied and see him face to face and exist in the tangible presence of God. I want to live without fear and neediness, and see what grand implications that will have on my relationships with my brothers and sisters.

Obviously, we're to be striving for this sort of contentment with God here in this life, and there are moments when I feel close to true contentment. But there are also times when I feel alone, confused, estranged, and really just exhausted by life. In both of these times, hoping in heaven is essential. Hope of completion grants you closeness in the present. On the one hand, we never want to be too comfortable away from our true home. Yet on the other hand, we never want to despair of life itself and doubt God's love and purpose for us.

I feel like I'm rambling now. To sum it up, I'm excited for the day when all of my relationships, with God and everyone else, will be exactly as they were meant to be. And until then, it's going to be hard, but I'm going to work to embody the love that Christ calls us to live.

As a side note, if anyone has any insight as to what it means for us to be the bride of Christ, feel free to share it. Also, feel free to share any reasons why you look forward to heaven. Thanks!

enemies

2011-01-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

I had a spiritual epiphany yesterday at work.

You remember how a long long time ago I said that I prayed before I went to work, that I would do well and be a blessing and so on? Well, I haven't done that in awhile. It became normal I guess.

So yesterday this woman came in and demanded a latte with low-fat milk, LOW-fat, half caffeinated, and at precisely 160 degrees. None of this would have been a problem, but the way she asked was soaking with disdain. She was very unpleasant with how she ordered her food, and about 5 minutes later was loudly complaining about how long it was taking and how she needed to leave. As I walked back to the kitchen, I called her a mean name in a low voice to everyone.

This isn't the first time I've done this, but this time, I instantly repented. I thought, what does it accomplish to call this woman something ugly behind her back and complain about her to everyone else? And what about that makes me anything like Christ?

It's true. She was mean and it was uncalled for. But that doesn't make it okay for me to be mean back.

And so I thought of Eli's sermon on Sunday about praying for our enemies. It suddenly dawned on me, that woman is my enemy. I never knew who or what to think of when I thought of enemies, so I never knew how to think about verses that talk about it. I don't live in a place where I have to face intense persecution, I don't live in a war zone, I don't even go to a school with cliques. But, there are those horrible customers at work.

And what does Jesus have to say about them? To love them, serve them, and pray for them.

I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I will start praying about work again.

There are more things I've been thinking about, but this is long enough for now. Until next time...

Holidays, etc.

2011-01-12T10:40:00.001-08:00

Why, hello everyone. What do you know, it's a new year! Here's an overview of the past several weeks:

I commemorated my year-since-leaving-Mexico on November 23rd by spending the day in prayer, reflection, journaling, and reading, ending with a dessert get-together with friends at Diego's. It was a meaningful day, and I was glad for the alone time as well as the time with friends.

Thanksgiving was really nice at the Sikorski's with a few other families from the church. It was a great day to get to know my church family better and honestly feel at home with everyone, not to mention the delicious food!

I went home to Tulsa on December 12th for two weeks. I loved getting to see so many friends and spend Christmas with my family. My brother Kendall, his wife Rachel, and my sister Lindsay with her family all came to Tulsa too. It was good for me to spend quality time with everyone.

But I was happy to come back. The 28th was my friend Leland's birthday, so we had a small party at Tara's house, eating and playing games. The next week was filled with visits from various friends. Miguel came to spend Christmas with his family in Petaluma, just north of San Francisco, and he spent a few days here in Grass Valley to meet everyone and see everything and celebrate New Year's. We also spent a day in San Fran with a group of friends. He already wants to come back. :) Ann Cardamone from the AIM team that worked here a few years ago came to visit with her boyfriend Joel and good friend Amber, and that was fun too. Johnathan Ledbetter, my other friend Amber's brother, was also visiting from Lubbock. And lastly, Erika Carley has been back home from college, and she heads back to Abilene on Saturday.

I went back to work on Friday, and things have been a bit slower but not too bad. My hours haven't been cut, so that's really nice. It's good to see everyone again, and even though I had such a great holiday season, it's nice to get back to life as usual again. I'm looking forward to starting new Spanish lessons, talking to Sierra College to get things going for the fall, helping out with the youth girls' class at church, and continuing music and poetry endeavors.

One last bit of news: yesterday I finally got the tattoo I've wanted for years - the empty tomb on my foot, a symbol of hope and life. For some reason the picture uploader isn't working, but if you're on facebook, there's a picture there!

Love you guys, and hope your 2011 has begun as beautifully as mine has, thanks to God. :)

Family time, snow, and Mexico

2010-11-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is coming up, and although I'm going home in just a couple of weeks for Christmas and although I have great friends to spend the holiday with and although this isn't the first Thanksgiving I've spent away, it still is a bit sad to miss out on family time this week.

However, my brother Joseph had a conference to go to in Santa Clara, just 3 hours south of me, so for my day off I got to drive down and see him. It was a lot of fun - eating delicious Indian food, eating icecream with one of my old classmates from GFA and her two adorable kids, going shopping, playing at Dave and Buster's, and calling our grandpa the next day to sing happy birthday. I'm so thankful for the chance to hang out.

The past few days have been really snowy. My car got stuck at Tyler's, so we've been hanging out at Tara and Billi's since he came and rescued us. I know, I live in California, but I am in the mountains, just like I was in Mexico, haha, so no eternal spring for me ever. :)

Speaking of Mexico, tomorrow is my year marker since I've lived there. It's a bittersweet memory. I wrote this when I came back, and even though most of you won't understand because it's in Spanish, I'll leave you with it anyway.

es que
tengo una rara forma de
nostalgia, absurda, ya se
porque
es tanto por las coasas que han pasado
como por las cosas que hubieran pasado
asi que
extrano a lo intocable
extrano a lo inolvidable.

te extrano, mi vida,
pasado
presente
futuro.

brownbag 11/17/10

2010-11-17T01:33:00.002-08:00

The latest letter I wrote to the AIMers and AIM staff in Lubbock right now:

Hey everyone, it's been a little while since I've written, but I certainly haven't forgotten you guys. I've been thinking of you even more these past few weeks of team formations - I remember how antsy I felt during that time, and I don't miss it, haha. But I'm praying not only that God puts you "where you're supposed to be" but that you can have peace in this moment, and in future moments, concerning where you're at. I'm so excited to hear who's going where, but I guess I'll just have to wait too. ;)

I have two quick stories to share. Recently I went on a retreat with the youth group here in Grass Valley, and it was really good for me to establish relationships, reconnect with Steve and Jewel, and spend some good time with Jesus by reading the Gospel of John. But one of the most memorable things for me was singing with them Saturday night. I started to feel really emotional, and realized that since I came back from Mexico, I had only sung devo songs with a group of people maybe a handful of times, tops. I know as an AIMer it can get old to sing all the time, and you don't always feel like it, but it really is a blessing to praise God intimately with a group like that. I meditated on how God is omnipresent - in Lubbock, in Tulsa, in Mexico, in California, all at once, even though I can't be. It's a comforting thought.

Which sort of brings me to my next story - in just under a week, I will be commemorating my one-year-since-I-left-the-field day. I don't really want to say "celebrating," because it was kind of a terrible day, but I don't want to say "mourning," because it was kind of a good day at the same time. It was so hard to leave some of my best friends behind (like you, Angel) and I cried a lot. But before that, we had a party with the church. It was the beginning of what has now become a weekly event for me - singing karaoke. haha! The church hired a karaoke man and we sang all kinds of songs that day. And do any of you know about the Mexican tradition called "la mordida"? Well, it's pretty special - it means that when there's a cake for you, they all yell "bite!" until you bend down to take a bite, and inevitably someone will shove your face in it. Wendy pushed my head so hard that my glasses got stuck in the cake. And then guess what? We ate it anyway. hahaha

Anyway, I just wanted to mention that this past year since leaving Mexico has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life, and I'm not just referring to reverse culture-shock, though I'm sure that had something to do with it. But now that I've been healing from my own mistakes and hurts from others, I can honestly say that God is faithful, and I trust him now more than I ever have before. I pray to God that you all will say the same years down the line.

I'm sorry guys, I'm feeling too overwhelmed to write shout outs, there's too many of you. I just want to say to everyone, staff and students alike, I love you, I miss you, I'm praying for you, and I hope you all have a super happy Thanksgiving wherever you may be.

delicious irony

2010-11-15T18:14:00.005-08:00

So, without delving into details, I'll just say there's been something heavy on my mind and heart for the past few months. I wish I could explain more, but I really shouldn't. However, I did want to share something incredible: this past week was the first time I really let myself be completely happy in spite of this situation that caused me so much emotional turmoil. Even though the circumstances hadn't gotten any better (it actually seemed that they had gotten worse), I realized that I had still gotten better. I've been healing a lot, thanks to God, from my past mistakes and hurts from others, without even taking the time to honestly acknowledge it. So, this past week I did acknowledge it. I started telling people I was really happy. I started thinking more intentionally of the things I'm thankful for. I even wrote a poem about it just two days ago.

And you know what happened?

Today, the situation got better. Very suddenly and very obviously.

I got the feeling of when you hastily take a huge gulp of something way to hot, except instead of in my throat, in my soul. And I cried, a lot. I didn't even really know why I was crying so much until I remembered that it was when I had finally, finally let go of my problem that it finally, finally, completely out of my control, took a bold baby step towards better. And all I could do was pray, thank you.

I still don't really know where to go from here, but yet again, in case there was ever any doubt, God has proven himself faithful to me. And I had to share it with you. Love you guys.

A lovely weekend

2010-11-14T16:33:00.002-08:00

When I went to church today, I had no idea what I would be doing afterward, and as I chatted with various friends quickly everyone began to disappear, and I realized I might end up at home alone. But then I started talking with my friend Stephanie, and we ended up going to eat in Nevada City and walking around downtown. It's always so refreshing to talk with her. On the one hand, she's about my mom's age, and I have so much I can learn from her life experience. But on the other hand, she's a brand new Christian, and so I feel like I have a lot of knowledge and experience from my life in the church that I can reciprocate. I know that there's always this potential give-and-take of knowledge and experience with any relationship, but it's nice when it's so obvious and readily available. She's so open and sincere, and I love all of our conversations, even when we disagree sometimes. What a great friend. We've been trying to get together like that for a long time, so it's funny that it finally happened kind of on accident.

Yesterday was nice too. I went to lift weights with Tara, Leland and Jeffrey at Jeffrey's house, haha, something very different for me but surprisingly fun. After work, we hung out at Tara's and watched Toy Story 3. :)

I'm excited to say Friday night at the Bistro went wonderfully! As the first set, Jeffrey, Leland, and I did a sort of reading panel where we took turns sharing 3 things we had written. I was honored to participate, and by the time I was sitting up there, I didn't even feel nervous anymore. I hope that this can be just the start of more times of sharing. Tara and I are thinking of starting a monthly time even just amongst us friends to play music together and/or create art or whatever comes up. This is such a great community of talented friends, and I'm so glad to be a part. In case you're interested, here are the three poems I chose to read:

Voice cracks, control lapse,
breach in the dam behind brown eyes.
No flood, no stream, just a swell and a gleam of
shining tears that so cautiously create
trembling pools, the meniscus in the
graduated cylinder from high school chemistry.

Everything is different and
nothing has changed.

Homesick much? Maybe so, but
this list that's ever lengthening
is difficult to name.
So many spaces, places, faces,
phases, gazes upon an album full
or seven or twenty-two...
all organized and boxed and shelved and away
but swirling and boiling and fermenting and here to stay,
heavy here in these hands, this head, this heart.
I'm homesick, maybe, mostly for you.

You were my home, and away I moved,
sitting here weeping and homesick for you.

***

"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands[...]" - Isaiah 49:15-16

Loving you
has left its mark on
me, your face on
my heart, deep.

Loving me
has left its mark on
him, my name on
his palm, permanently.

Loving you
changes me
changes you
loving me
making marks on
our identity
loving, deep
marking, permanently.

My deep, a drop
in his eternity –
individually, collectively on
his palm, permanently.

***

It's raining,
again.

And while it's not your fault,
you're still the reason I
inhale and
take in and
swallow.
And while I'll never blame you for
everything we do,
it couldn't be we
if it weren't for you.

My empathy exhausts itself
with you.
I'm the sponge that soaks the stuff you spill.
And it's not your fault,
but you're still the reason.
And while I'll never blame you for
everything we feel,
if it weren't for you,
it could never be we.

It's raining,
again.

And these complications cause conflict
in my consistency, confidence, concept
of who I am.
(it's more than I generally like to let on,
the influence we've had on each other.)
And I'll never blame you because:
the rain makes others hide,
but it makes me glow inside.
(how could I make you apologize when
the rain makes me alive?)

It's never your fault
but you're always the reason
because without the you
I wouldn't, I couldn't
be me.

Demon Days

2010-11-09T11:01:00.002-08:00

Some people don't feel the same way I do, but I just love it when I find bits of truth to connect with through whatever means of media I may encounter. I've listened to this particular song a million times, but I especially liked it again today. Gorillaz are a totally rad hip-hop group, been around since at least I was a freshman in high school. They're more true to the roots of hip-hop I think in the sense that they aren't all about the glamor and decadence and hate that usually saturates this particular genre these days, and how appropriate: this is from their 2006 album, Demon Days, the title song. What a great picture of repentance and hope. Love it.

In these demon days
It's so cold inside
So hard for a good soul to survive
You can't even trust the air you breathe
Because mother earth wants us all to leave
When lies become reality
You numb yourself with drugs and T.V.
So pick yourself up, it's a brand new day
So turn yourself round
Don't burn yourself, turn yourself
Turn yourself around
To the sun!

To the sun, to the sun...
To the sun, to the sun...

Today's prayer

2010-11-08T17:55:00.003-08:00

I had to get a ride to work from Tyler this morning, so I was two hours early. It was really nice to have so much time to read the Bible - Hebrews is one of those favorites that I forget about too often. After reading, I felt really moved to write down a prayer. So, I decided to share it:

God, it's been too long, again. Your word cuts deep even as it brings hope and joy. I know it's real and I love it and I love you, but I'm lazy, distracted, confused, and I feel alone sometimes. Help me to "spur others on to love and good deeds." Help me to "watch my tongue!" Give me eternal perspective. Help me to pray and remember those who are suffering. Help me to believe and to obey and to love, truly, whatever anyone else does. Most of all, let me live moment by moment, not for pleasure, but by faith in You, the one true, living God. Thank you for salvation, for Christ's sacrifice, for conquering death and giving value to our sufferings and giving us something to look forward to. Help me to share this with others even as you help me to share my belongings and time and resources with others. Let me be patient and wait on you and spend time with you even before I dive in and "do" too much. But God, answer soon so I can know what to do instead [of other meaningless things]. Thank you for hearing me. Speak to me, speak through me, give me peace and make me a peacemaker. I love you I love you I love you - take away my other, contrary affections. Be with me. Please. <3

!!!

2010-11-05T20:32:00.002-07:00

I'm so excited!

I just bought my plane ticket home, December 12-27. I can't wait to see you then, Tulsa! And I think my whole family is coming too. I'm almost bouncing off of the walls just thinking about it!

My friend Miguel is planning to spend Christmas in San Francisco, so I'll go meet him there when I get back and bring him to Grass Valley to hang out for awhile, including for New Year's, and I'm already getting excited because I think there's going to be a party in Tahoe, so even though it's going to be cold, it will be beautiful! (longest sentence ever, sorry!)

I already mentioned this, but I'm reading poems for an event one week from today, hooray!

I'm learning guitar and about to start teaching Spanish to my friend Jeffrey tomorrow in exchange.

I just saved $50 from tips without even really trying, so that makes me think if I really do try harder, maybe I really can save enough to go to Mexico City this summer...

The leaves are changing on the trees, Karaoke Night is tonight, Documentary night with the Comptons is tomorrow, Thanksgiving is coming and I already have 3 different invitations to celebrate, I mean, I could just go on and on.

God is good, all the time, but it's really nice to believe it in the good times too. :)

El Día de los Muertos

2010-11-02T20:11:00.002-07:00

Today was a beautiful day. First of all, I slept in a lot, which was nice. I didn't have to work, also very nice. I had my second guitar lesson, and it went really well especially considering that I hadn't practiced so much because my fingertips still can't handle the pain for too long, haha. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. I ate lunch with friends, walked to the post office, called my sister Lindsay to say happy birthday, and spent some time praying in the car. It was one of those days when you're just so grateful to be alive, really.

Then it stuck me that today was el Día de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead, and that there was an event at the fairgrounds. I was hoping it would be an opportunity to get in touch with the hispanic community here, but it was mostly just a bunch of gringos' art, haha. It wasn't exactly what I expected, but it was really cool anyway. They had about 60 altars set up in this expo building, most of them remembering loved ones who have passed on, some commemorating famous people or making statements for peace in places like Israel. A few weren't even really about death at all, oddly. I really enjoyed soaking up the creativity exhibited and the stories people had to share. As I was leaving they invited me to be on the mailing list so that maybe next year I can make an altar too. Pretty sweet.

I was thinking about heading to SanFran today or tomorrow, but decided against it for several reasons, but soon I want to visit. Instead, Tyler and I went to Auburn for a couple of hours to go to Target and In n Out. The trip was a success. :)

Until next time!

Retreat

2010-10-31T18:07:00.002-07:00

I just got back from the youth retreat, and I'm really glad I went. It was fun to get to know the youth group, most of whom I didn't even know their names prior to the trip. I enjoyed the chance to hang out with not only the Hoopers but also the Meltons - Steve and Jewel just moved here after being in Lubbock for several years of assisting with AIM. They're going to head up West Coast Missions here in the near future. It was great to reconnect with them. Over the last few years I feel like I've totally completed my transition from "youth" to "adult," which is still interesting for me to recognize in myself. I want to still connect with middle- and high schoolers even though I am pretty far removed from that stage of life by now. And the nice thing is, seems like they want to be my friends still too. :)

Honestly though, the best part for me was our time we spent in the Word. We read the whole Gospel of John in pairs together, out in the woods (it got really cold!). Reading the whole thing in context was so powerful for me; I feel closer to Jesus now, like we caught up after being apart for awhile. The thing that hit me the most was how incredibly honest Jesus always was to everyone. I've been praised for my honesty, and I do think that I'm a pretty honest person, but I was so challenged by his blunt truth and love in every situation that I feel like... well, I have an eternity to go before I could begin to call myself Christ-like even in that one aspect.

Singing was also really good. I've only sang devotional songs like that a handful of times since being in Mexico, and it really made me miss my teammates, my coordinators, and my Mexican church family. But the cool part was that I was really aware of the open communication that happens in worship between us and God and was reminded of his omnipresence. Sometimes all I feel like I have to offer God is a "Please, help." And it's nice to know that he hears and responds.

I got really sad on my way home because Daniel is gone now. I'm excited for his new phase of life, but I'm going to miss him a LOT. Not that missing people is new for me, but I do get really tired of it sometimes...

I work tomorrow, then Tuesday and Wednesday I'm off. Besides errands I need to run, I'm planning on spending some good alone time. For now, I'm here with Felicia, and her friendship is wonderful. Tonight I'm hoping to celebrate Halloween with some friends - we'll see if anything happens.

Until next time!

List

2010-10-27T18:26:00.002-07:00

Reasons why I'm excited about life right now:

-I had my first guitar lesson today with my friend Jeffrey, and next week I'll start giving him Spanish lessons in return. He's a great teacher, hopefully I can be too.
-Leland is coming home tonight!
-I'm going to read a couple of poems for an event at the bistro on the evening of November 12th, which just happens to be my half birthday. :)
-We got the heat turned on at our house.
-I'm going on the youth retreat this weekend, looking forward to getting to know them better, hanging out with the Hoopers, and brainstorming for ministry ideas.
-I've had a great time hanging out with Daniel Lee, even though I'm NOT excited for him to go back to Tulsa, I'm excited to hang out for these last few moments, this time around.
-Halloween is coming...
-...as is el Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead), and I'm hoping to meet some people and get invovled in the Hispanic community here.

And so on and so forth. God is good! Love you guys!

To Suffer With

2010-10-27T18:24:00.003-07:00

I'm the new editor of the AIM Alumni Blog, www.aimalumniassociation.blogspot.com, and so I decided to share the article I wrote for this week:

One of the things I learned while I was on the field is how to suffer.

I know, I know, that’s so dramatic. But it’s true. There are so many different kinds of trials that it’s hard to talk about them in generalities, so right now I’m going to focus on compassion, otherwise known as suffering with others.

When I was in Mexico, I learned something about three different friends in the youth group there: one who was 15 and pregnant, one struggling with homosexual feelings, and one who was abusing drugs. I was totally overwhelmed by each of these situations, knowing full well that I had never dealt with any of those specific things, and I had no idea how to help. These were obviously not the only overwhelming or painful situations I encountered in my ministry, but these were the ones that hurt me most. I remember one night in particular, going into the bathroom in our apartment and just sobbing as silently as I could. I didn’t even know what to pray to God, much less what to say to them. I felt helpless as a missionary, and even more importantly, as a friend.

But the story isn't over. A favorite verse of mine is Psalm 56:8 – “Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll – are they not in your record?” I love the thought that God knows our every tear. One of the shortest verses in the Bible, “Jesus wept,” demonstrates one of Jesus’ defining attributes: his compassion on humanity, manifested by his coming to our world and suffering with us to show us that he cares and to save us from the worst of fates. Paul says to the Colossians that he rejoices in his sufferings for them, that he is “filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, the church”.

These words convince me that there is something inherently and yet intangibly valuable in our sufferings here on earth. I wish I could calculate it right away, but I guess that’s where trust comes in; it’s not an exact equation. In these situations with my friends that I described, I cried for them and let my tears be a prayer for healing and redemption. My suffering isn’t like Jesus’ in the sense that his washed away our sins, but my suffering can, like Paul’s, make a difference in my own soul as well as others, by the grace of God. Sometimes there are happy endings, and other times we just have to wait and watch, remembering that God really does care. I’ll end with this poem I wrote after that night of crying in the bathroom:

tears;

save them

in a cup, just

like you promised.

If you can walk on water,

you can build my tears into

something beautiful. I trust

you, more than ever tonight.

This pain must be used for

something valuable,

healing, like yours.

Please.

One day at a time

2010-10-20T16:39:00.003-07:00

So, not much has changed over the past few weeks. In fact, I'm even sick again, except this time with bronchitis. Yuck.

Until Sunday, I was working a whole lot as usual and on top of that spending as much time as possible with my friends, two of whom are only hear temporarily, which always motivates me to sacrifice as much time as possible. We've had a lot of fun, singing, dancing, watching movies, late-night conversations, and so on. I realized I was off of work from Sunday through Tuesday, three days in a row, and decided even though it would be cool to take a trip somewhere, I should do a personal retreat to finally get back on track - reading, writing, praying, sleeping, things like that.

Sunday was wonderful. I've loved hearing what Eli has to say these days about helping others. The hymns we sang were particularly touching to me as well, especially "What a friend we have in Jesus." After church, Tyler and I joined the Hughes family over at the Sikorski's for lunch. We had a delicious meal thanks to Pam and great conversation. We also had some exquisite coffee. :) They were all really curious about Tyler's and my AIM experiences, so we got to share some too. It was rainy out, which always makes me nostalgic, but it was a good nostalgia, something to be shared and celebrated with good friends. I really felt like I was at home with family that day.

Then I started to feel sick. I had many aspirations for these couple of days, but mostly all I could do was sleep. I think I'm being really slow in learning this, but my being sick this time may have drilled it in for good - I need to take things a day at a time, and I must slow down. There are certain things I should cut out entirely, but mostly I just need balance. I can't spend every waking moment with friends, but I can do fun things and even connect deeply with people once in awhile. I'm not going to read the whole Bible in a day, but I want to take time to read a little. It's a lot easier to wash dishes when there aren't already a hundred dirty ones overflowing the sink. I just need to take it easy and be content to live life fully in every moment, whether I'm out or in, alone or surrounded by a crowd, doing chores or hanging out, eating a cookie or exercising, and so on.

Tyler was kind to take my shift today so I could have one more day to try to get well. I'm still coughing a lot, which isn't so compatible with a food job, but since I'm feeling well, hopefully with some medicine I can make it by tomorrow.

So, here's to balance. Mmhmm.

Extremely imperfect

2010-10-05T10:53:00.003-07:00

So the reason I think I haven't written lately is that I've been pretty down on myself these days. I've felt uninspired to write anything. It kind of seems like a lot of people around me have been down on themselves too, so maybe it's contagious or something. I don't know. I just know that it's been a bit harder than usual to live with myself lately. Sometimes I start feeling like I'm the very same person making the very same mistakes as I was, well, really since forever. It can be hard to see growth or progress or anything encouraging about myself sometimes. My friend Leland is good for that though - he occasionally asks people, what's one characteristic about yourself that you like? Just so we're not always so negative. (Maybe it's because he's not around right now that it's been harder, hadn't thought of that.)

I also sometimes can second-guess things or doubt things or wish things were different or think of what ifs, but I know that none of that is healthy for me. I have a million things to be grateful for, so I need to learn to stop spending so much time on the relatively very few things that are wrong. My friend Sarah posted this passage on her facebook this morning and it really encouraged me:

"Not that I have already obtained all of this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

Also, my sister Lindsay has recently been coming out of a hard time and said one thing that helped her immensely was just taking care of herself - sleeping enough, taking vitamins, things like that. I started exercising which is good, but I'm definitely lacking sleep and not really eating well. On top of that, I had a sinus infection last week. So that's one thing I could do better is just get some rest and take care of my body.

Anyway, thanks for reading and for those of you who are praying for me. I know I'll have more to write soon - I just need to get out of this funk first. Love you everyone!

Recent happenings

2010-09-23T11:34:00.002-07:00

I've been working a lot lately and just generally busy with people, and I had this vague feeling of having nothing much to share. Then last night I realized how wrong that was because a lot has happened over the last week-and-a-half.

Like I said, I've been working a lot lately. It's been cool getting to know my coworkers and even some regulars already. Everyone's really nice and patient as I learn my way around. It's been great to have so many hours already too - thank you God. :) I love the free healthy food and free yummy chais too. I feel a little silly, but I pray a lot about my job, that I will be a good worker, that I won't be too tired if I've been up late the night before, that I'll be a good friend to people. I don't think I ever thought to pray about working at Panera, but after being in AIM and praying about my work then every day, it kind of just carried over. It even made sense maybe to pray for my job teaching preschool or my job translating in a hospital, but I'm learning that yeah, it really makes sense even to pray for a job at a café. I mean really, why not? :)

Last week (September 15th) was Mexican independence. I really missed Mexico a lot leading up to it and remembering the great times on past Quinces in Mexico City, so it would've been easy for it to be a sad day for me. But Eli and Kelcey were really nice to open up their home to me and some of our friends to celebrate together. With a lot of help from everyone, I made tinga de pollo, my favorite Mexican meal. We listened to some of my Mexican music and even had the chance to talk to Jeni, an AIMer from the church here in Grass Valley who is currently in Leon, Mexico. I wore my special apron that Sara from Mexico City made each of us AIM girls to wear on that day to work - I got some funny looks, but I think mostly because red, white, and green also happens to make people think of Christmas. :) That night I watched a live stream from downtown Mexico City for the huge celebration. It was so beautiful! I felt so proud of Mexico and very hopeful for them to overcome all of the hard times they're in right now. After that, Tara invited me over to have a michelada and hang out. I really saw how much everyone here cares about me and wants to share the things that are important to me. I feel very loved.

Friday was Leland's benefit dinner for his upcoming trip to Iraq with the Christian Peacemaker Team. We had pumpkin curry (soooo good!!) and listened to some good music, stories, and poetry by Leland and other friends of his. I'm excited for when we get to come together again and hear all about what he saw and did there. He'll be there for two weeks, but gone for a month altogether because he's spending time with his family in Houston first. Tyler is getting back from his trip home tomorrow, and Jo is leaving for two months in just a couple of weeks. Lots of people traveling these days, and I miss them when they're gone!

I guess that's more than enough for now. I'll try not to wait so long for next time and build up too many things to say all at once, haha.

Ladies Retreat

2010-09-12T16:31:00.002-07:00

This weekend was the ladies retreat for the women of the church. I'm terrible with numbers so I can't really tell you how many were there, maybe 40? Maybe less.... However many there were, I definitely had ample opportunity to meet people and make new friends. I met Katie - she and her husband lead a worship service at the nursing home here. I met Laura - she reminds me a lot of my mentor from Gospel for Asia, Debi, though I can't pinpoint why. I met Kathy - we got to discuss the public school system among other things. I also got to know some ladies I already knew even better, most especially Erin and Stephanie - I had the chance to hear their life stories, of how they came to the church.

As for details of the trip, we drove about an hour north to Truckee and stayed in two separate cabins on the mountain. I'm used to youth retreats where the food is kind of junky most of the time, but these ladies made great salads, quiche, chicken and rice, I mean, it was wonderful. :) Friday night we sang and listened to Laura talk about the importance of real friendship with one another. Saturday we had two classes in the morning, one with a different Kathy about meditating on God's word instead of negative things, and the other with Alice Ruth about living a servant lifestyle. We had a lot of free time, so I went with a group to downtown Truckee to look at the quirky little shops. Some of them went out to eat, but us cheap girls cooked spaghetti at the house. We had a lot more singing and chatting until bedtime. This morning we had a service with Kelcey about Hebrews 12:1-3, took communion, sang, and prayed. Then it was time to pack and clean and go home!

I wish it could've lasted longer, honestly, but I know I have plenty of time to get to know the women here. I need to seek to spend good time with the friends I have already, and also with the women I have yet to get to know and learn from.

The main thing God spoke to me during this time was to really spend my time loving him with my thoughts. I've been dwelling too much on things that have hurt me in the recent past, and I need to choose every day to forgive others, accept God's grace on myself, and love him and praise him instead of worrying or moping. Jesus did say, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted," but I think I've been focused on the first half and not letting myself receive his comfort. I've been scared to let go of my pain because in an odd way it makes me who I am. But now I really want to define myself with good things, godly things, instead.

This is totally cheesy, I'm warning you, but I also wanted to add that I was listening to Beyoncé's "Smash Into You," one of my favorite songs of hers, and suddenly had the thought of singing it to God instead of whoever else. It was really powerful for me to be reminded that my longing for love can be fulfilled in God, truly. Here's some lyrics: "I'm soaked in your love, and love is right in my path, in my grasp, and me and you belong. I wanna run, smash into you." (It's better when she's singing it, I promise. haha)

Thanks for reading, really. I love you guys.

Good news!

2010-09-09T17:35:00.002-07:00

I have a job! Hooray! Let me tell you the story:

When I first got here, Eli told me that he was certain that I could get a job at Safeway, a grocery store, as a deli clerk. My friends Felicia and Jonathan both work there, so it sounded great to me, especially since I wouldn't even really have to look for a job. So I applied just a few days after I arrived here and was really confident that I would hear back any day now.

Three weeks later...

I still hadn't heard back. Jonathan, Felicia, and Eli had all told me that Safeway people had my application and would call me really soon, but it hadn't happened still. However, over the previous couple of weeks, I heard a few stories about Safeway that weren't so appealing: they don't let people request off for holidays, they've been cutting hours but demanding the same amount of work, and they have ridiculous policies on how to handle people not completing all of their tasks. These are the woes of working for a major corporation, I hear. Plus, the deli has a negative atmosphere, and a couple of people recently quit just after a day of working.

Needless to say, I wasn't so excited to work there anymore. But as I was applying to more and more places and sending out more and more resumes, nothing else was coming up. I started to wonder if Safeway ever got around to calling me, would it be stupid to say no? Should I just be content with whatever I can get? I was praying about it, but still wasn't sure.

Yesterday morning I got a call. It went a little something like this:

"Brettin?"
"Yeah, hello, who is this?"
"This is ___ from Safeway!" [very upbeat and encouraging voice]
"Oh, hi!"
"Well, I've got your application in front of me, I was seeing if we could set up an interview. Are you still interested in the position?"
"Oh, yeah, definitely. I've just been waiting to hear back from a couple of places, but I would love to have an interview with you guys."
[Safeway lady has a complete change of tone; no more enthusiasm for me. In fact, she sounds really put off.]
"Oh, well, I don't really want to do an interview and wait around, so why don't you just figure things out, and I'll call some other people, and if there's still a position and you're still interested, we'll talk later."
"...ok. That sounds good. Thanks for calling."

I was like, um, excuse me for mentioning that I have in fact been looking for a job other places too, but I was still interested! I thought, well, maybe this is God's answer and I shouldn't work there. But I couldn't help feeling a little worried that I'd blown my chance with the only employer that had actually expressed interest in me so far.

However, my good friend Tara has worked at a café for years now and had told me the night before that they may be hiring soon, so maybe I could swing by just to meet Theresa, the manager. She still wasn't expecting them to hire for another 2-3 weeks, but at least I could put myself at the top of the list.

So that's what I did that afternoon. I met Theresa, but then she started asking me just a few questions about my experience and availability. She also asked me if I was okay with having to clean. I talked about my experience at Panera, said I was extremely flexible since I'm still not a student and don't have another job, and of course, I've cleaned a lot of places before, no problem. Then she started explaining how things run there, and I'm thinking, do I already have this job? She said she would look at a couple more applications and get back to me soon after she and Tara talk it over. Feeling pretty confident, I went back to the dining room and sat with Tyler for literally 5 minutes when Tara came up to me and said, "Hey, you're hired, yay! Let's come look at the schedule."

I was so excited! What started off as a lame day ended up with me having the best job I could imagine myself having right now - at a café where I can meet a lot of people (coworkers and regulars), with a positive environment and already lots of friends (Jo and Tyler also work there), where I can have really good, healthy food and coffee drinks for free, and where the schedule is so flexible they say they can only remember a couple of times when they couldn't give someone their request off.

I started today. Training was a little bit overwhelming since I'm being trained to do everything - drinks, food, register, etc. - but everyone is so patient and kind that it's not so intimidating, especially since Tara herself was training me. I'll probably still need to get another job soon, hopefully something like Spanish tutoring or maybe baby-sitting, but for now, this is perfect. Thank you for praying for me, and thank you God for providing in unexpected ways. :)

"O Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds Thy hands hath made..."

2010-09-06T10:55:00.002-07:00

I just wanted to tell you a little bit about how much I've been getting to enjoy nature these past few weeks.

First of all, the sky here is such an incredibly deep blue, and I've never lived in a place where I could see so, so many stars every night. Every single time I walk outside I have to look up, and half of the time I have to say, "Wow!"

Then there are the parks - Leland, Tyler, and I went to play disc golf (I played horribly but it was still fun!) in a park totally filled with towering trees. I shared a sub with Leland in a little park by the miner museum. And a couple of days ago Tyler and I walked around Pioneer Park and sat by the creek to read.

Finally, I've really loved every opportunity to spend in these amazingly clear waters. I like going to the lake in Oklahoma, but I never knew a lake could be so beautiful! And the river almost seems magical with the glittering gold dust and the rippling sun on the surface and all the huge white rocks to climb down or sit on. I don't feel gross at all getting out - it's like taking a cold bath, so refreshing.

Honestly, I can see why so many religions worship nature or have sacred trees or consult the stars - there really is something holy about what God has created, and yet it's because his presence is there, pieces of his identity can be seen there. So here's a hymn we sang at church the other night that illustrates these things to me:

O Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made,
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

When through the woods and forest glades I wander;
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze;

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin;

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow in humble adoration,
And there proclaim, my God, how great Thou art!

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee,
How great thou art, how great Thou art!

Service projects and Mexican parties

2010-09-03T13:19:00.003-07:00

The past couple of days have been really good for me. Since I have an abundance of free time (which, I heard that Safeway will be calling me any day now, so unemployment will have an end soon!), Eli has let me tag along on some of his work projects. I got another friend April to come with us to Joyce's house, an elderly lady full of personality, to replace her kitchen floor. There were moments where I couldn't do much more than give spiritual support, but I did learn to wield a hammer. Today, Eli, Leland and I went to an older man's house named Roger to clear out his yard and prevent a fire-hazard. It reminded me a lot of the work we would do at the park Huayamilpas in Mexico City. Between the hard work, we've had good conversations about ministry and good laughs about most anything. :)

Also, we're planning on celebrating Mexican Independence Wednesday the 15th by eating pozole, singing some Spanish songs, and praying for Mexico. It's really good for me to be able to connect my life before to my life now in real, tangible ways.

I did however have a hard time sleeping the other night with too many things on my mind. So please keep praying for me. And let me know how I can pray for you, too! :)

two things I wrote today:

2010-08-30T17:12:00.003-07:00

Do you guys know the song "Give us clean hands" by Charlie Hall? I love singing this song, in devo groups or even by myself. Anyway, I meant to do this... wow, I can almost literally say "years ago." But yeah, I finally got around to writing my Spanish translation for it and thought I'd share it. It's strange, but worshiping in Spanish seems just as right and natural to me now as worshiping in English. I guess that's what happens when you spend so much time relating to God in a foreign language, it becomes like home. It's been great talking with Felicia about her time in Honduras and my time in Mexico. We miss it so much, but we're so happy to be here now too. God is good. Anyway, here's the song:

Nos arrodillamos -
Espíritu, humíllanos.

No echamos, Dios, ni un ojo
a la maldad en el mundo.

Danos manos limpias.
Danos almas puras.
No nos dejes alabar a un ídolo.

Que seamos, Dios, una generación
que busca tu rostro, O Dios de Jacob.

The other thing I wrote today was a brownbag for the AIMers in Lubbock. If you don't remember or know what that means, just ask. :) Here it is:

Hey everyone, it's Brettin. How are you doing? Already got a couple of trips in, started your new area churches, getting ready to go to Ruidoso... not to mention all the classtime you've had. I'm so proud of you guys, seriously, I know how hard it can be to have no free time and so much pressure, but I hope you're really enjoying it too, because it's fantastic, really.

Well, I'm here in Grass Valley California, and I'm doing well. I've had some really homesick moments (funny how much my concept of home has grown and changed throughout and beyond AIM...) but God is so good and so faithful through it all. I'm still job searching, but I've got most everything else done on my checklist, including passing the smog check on my car, thank you God! Funny thing about living here is it seems that all the native Californians are so sympathetic to and simultaneously astounded by my being from Oklahoma. "Wow! Oh, you're really going to love it here!" they say. And while I agree, I kind of want to say, well, it's not like Oklahoma is some kind of wasteland, haha. Also, everyone asks, "Why don't you have an accent?" They find it incredible that I can talk like they do! :) Anyway, it's been really fun to start getting involved with the church here and reconnect with my friends, including some of my former AIM classmates. (P.S. we miss all you '07ers out there assisting!)

Ok, so I did have something serious I wanted to talk about. I know you guys are only just getting to know each other, but I remember that by now there were already some hurt feelings, some misunderstandings, and some people that just didn't like each other. You guys will talk a lot about conflict resolution during team dynamics in the far-distant future, but I just wanted to encourage you from the beginning, please, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." (That's from Romans 12, but the whole chapter is so life-changing.) One way I've learned recently to live this verse is to apologize first. If you feel like there have been wrongs done between you and someone else, whether that's a classmate, assistant, Kris, or even your parents back home, please don't wait to apologize. Don't justify your delay on the fact that they haven't apologized first. And if you can't think of what you've done to hurt the other person, spend some time praying about it. 9 times out of 10 when there's a relationship problem, both people contributed to it. I've written several letters in the past few months doing just that, apologizing for specific things that I've done wrong to the other. And you know what? It's always scary at first, but it feels a million times better once it's done. And usually the other person ends up apologizing in return for whatever it was that I was tempted to either pretend to ignore or point out and confront them about. Let's all work on letting love be our first response. But even if it's been awhile, it's never too late to love someone truly.

Shout outs:
Erin Joy - I heard a rumor that you may be out here someday far, far away after AIM. That would be fantastic! Eli speaks highly of you, and I hope to get to know you more someday soon.
Angel - Dios está a tu lado siempre, nunca lo olvides. Eres genial, ya sabes, jaja. Sigue adelante, pero ya estoy muy orgullosa de ti.
All Denver City AIMers - I just teared up the other night remembering and missing that place. Love it. I know you will.
Jennie - I miss you every day. I was just recounting preschool stories to Felicia... I miss that a little too, I guess, haha. TQMM
Barb - did you guys ever send out a list of all the AIMers and assistants? That helps me remember who to shout out to. Thank you for everything!
I love you everyone!!

Don't cry for me!

2010-08-28T16:45:00.002-07:00

Hey, thanks for all the response to my last blog, some by comment and others even on the phone. I really am doing well! Here's a bit of an update:

I'm still on a job-search rampage. I haven't heard back yet from either of the two that I originally applied to, but I've been finding some interesting things on craigslist and the newspaper classifieds, so we'll see! Ideally I would love to do something involving Spanish - I got kind of spoiled with that with my jobs in Tulsa. But really, I'm up for pretty much anything.

Living with the Yoder girls has been wonderful. They're so down-to-earth, a refreshing combination of fun and calm. It's also been great having so much random company with Tyler, Leland, Chelsea, Jonathan, and others popping in and out. The neighbor kids are cute too. I didn't mention before, but our house is surrounded by trees, so it's really beautiful, but it's also within walking distance of downtown Grass Valley, a nice place to wander where you can find cool coffee shops, restaurants, the movie theater, and best of all, the library! :)

I've also gotten to spend a lot of time with the Hoopers. In case you don't know, Eli Hooper is the preacher at the church of Christ on Whiting Street, and we've been friends for several years now. His wife, Kelcey, is really great too and I'm just now getting to know her more. She's my good friend Kim Rush's sister, so that's a cool connection already. Their oldest daughter Kira is 13, and I can tell we're going to be good friends. Today we hung out downtown Nevada City (just a couple of miles away) and later played basketball at the church building. Anyway, they're a family with a lot going on, but I think they may become my home-away-from-home. I'm very excited to learn from them and serve with them whenever possible.

And last but certainly not least, Tyler discovered karaoke night at the National Inn downtown Nevada City, where we are usually by far the youngest souls around. So far I've sung "Just a Girl" by No Doubt and "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer. :) We also did a duet with "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," only to discover that I didn't know the verses so well after all... haha! Too much fun.

Thank you for reading and caring. But please, no worrying! ;) I love you, everyone.

"Are you homesick?"

2010-08-24T13:40:00.003-07:00

I'm going to transcript what I wrote in my journal Sunday evening with some minor edits:

I'm at Sunday evening service, but I started crying during the singing and craving the blue sky and my journal. So many things, let's see if I can write them all.

The main feeling I have right now is a deep homesickness. But not even primarily for Tulsa. It's more of an AIM-sickness, or maybe not... I miss Denver City area church. I miss my AIM class. I miss Mexico. I miss Lubbock-now. I miss the Rush family, too much. And I miss Toby, and Chutney, and Jennie, and Miguel, and everyone.

Another thing I'm experiencing is a kind of identity shock. I almost have to remind myself, I'm not an AIMer anymore. People aren't just going to invite me to their homes just because. I'm balancing real life with missional living, or something, I mean I'm not a "missionary" but I still want to live missionally and that is confusing. I'm a single girl, alone, no team, no coordinator, no family [here], no significant other. I have friends and I have a church and I have roommates. That's all. And it's good, and it's enough, but that's all, and it's less than I'm used to.

I'm already overwhelmed with the idea of creating new best friends and new mentor-relationships. I mean, how many am I already keeping up with, and which ones will fall by the wayside?

And so all of these things and more are happening inside, and I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I think if I had my car I'd have just left already, but as it is there's all these new people and I don't want them to think strange things about me. And at the same time, I'm like, well, I'm at the church for crying out loud, if this place isn't safe to be real, what is? I don't want to appear unstable, yet I don't want to fake happiness. It's rough.

But then just now Carol came out, I mean, I don't even know her and she gave me a hug and asked if I was homesick. :) Then Kelcey came out right after service was over and we got to talk a bit. It'll be OK, no, more than OK. It'll be good. It is good. Just doesn't mean that it will be easy.

I love you God. Thank you for providing for me. Help me to grow and to not be afraid, to not hate myself like I can sometimes. Thank you for loving me more than I even love myself, so much more than I love you, and I'm sorry for that, God. I do love you - increase my love, God. Blessed be your name.

Turning the page

2010-08-21T20:34:00.003-07:00

Hello from Grass Valley, California!

This blog was formerly known as Adventures in Mexico, and I regret never having much closure with that, but decided to go ahead and keep the old entries here in case you're interested. I moved back to Tulsa last November and since then ran through countless options and opportunities of "what's next" until at last, I landed here in California, the place I really wanted to be all along.

Even though I graduated AIM several months ago now, I feel like this is my real transition, a real new chapter for my life. I set out here on my own, and while I have lots of great friends here to receive me, in a lot of ways I feel like Abraham, called by God to be a stranger in a foreign land and wait on him to see what's next. I have several ideas of what I'd like to do while I'm here, but for the moment, I'm just waiting on God to guide and provide.

I'm living with two wonderful sisters, Jo and Felicia Yoder. I'm working on getting settled and putting everything in its right place, inside and out. I've applied to work a couple of different places and will continue to seek out the "right" job. I'm going to be a member of the Grass Valley Church of Christ, and Lord-willing, be a mentor for the West Coast Missions program coming soon. This is what I know. The rest I'll discover in the days, weeks, months, maybe even years to come.

Thank you for caring enough to keep up with me. I'll try to be consistent. I love you, everyone!

Fruit

2009-11-03T10:34:00.003-08:00

I think Sunday was the most emotional I've been in a really long time, which is honestly saying something because I'm a pretty emotional girl.

We went on a retreat (at last) with the church this past weekend. I was somewhat painfully aware of the fact that I have less than a month left with most of those people and that sometime soon I most likely won't be in the same place as any of them at all.

But then I was absolutely elated when Rocío, my best friend here in Mexico and one of my best friends in general, decided to be baptized. Israel and I baptized her in the cold swimming pool in the backyard of the house in which we were staying for the retreat.

It's funny to me, strange really, that some people were kind of congratulating me too. I mean, I understand that I'm the one who's studied with her and I'm her closest friend in the church, but it just seems odd because I'm entirely aware that it was all God's work. Sure he used me, but I can't do the things he does. It's so great to see the fruit of our work here, but I would be a fraud to call it the fruit of my work. Evangelism isn't a game where you win points or something, it's as simple and simultaneously profoud as having the opportunity to work alongside the living God.

Then I became extremely nostalgic, memories of meeting her in the little bus on the way home from Spanish class, her sitting timidly on the couch during small group, her commenting that my facebook interests are almost entirely shared by her to her surprise, ice skating with the girls, playing Mario Kart Wii with the team, laughing with her school friends about silly English and Spanish mistakes we all make, me telling her that her quote that she liked from Harry Potter was actually from the book of Matthew ("Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"), her telling me that she never expected us to become such good friends, failed attempts turned future plans for her to visit Tulsa with me, going through the Mark Study with her, the pictures we've made for each other, the trust we've gained in each other...

I mean I always knew I would miss her intensely, miss her most. But that night when we were praying for her and I knew that she is not only one of my best friends but my sister, that I'll be with her forever in the presence of our God...

I couldn't stop crying.

It was so beautiful.

And it's going to be so, so hard to leave. I'm leaving a part of me here, and I knew that all along, but it struck me like never before. I'm leaving, soon.

And it makes me think of all the others in my life that I love that need salvation, or healing, or answers, or all of the above, and the song we sing came to my mind:

"Jesucristo prometió nunca dejarme.
Mi eterno compañero él será.
En las luchas y en las pruebas, yo siento su amor.
Aleluya, el Señor está aquí.
Está aquí, está aquí, aleluya el Señor está aquí.
Se mueve en mí, se mueve en mí, aleluya el Señor se mueve en mí.
Aleluya, cántale al Señor.
Aleluya, él es digno de loor.
Aleluya, en él todo lo podré.
Aleluya, pronto le veré.
Espera en Dios, y él hará.
Concederá tu petición.
Espera en Dios, y él hará."

Translation:
"Jesus Christ promised to never leave me.
He will be my companion forever.
In the struggles and in the trials, I feel his love.
Hallelujah, the Lord is here.
He is here, he is here, hallelujah the Lord is here.
He moves in me, he moves in me, hallelujah the Lord moves in me.
Hallelujah, sing to the Lord.
Hallelujah, he is worthy of praise.
Hallelujah, I can do all things in him.
Hallelujah, I will see him soon.
Wait on God, and he will do it.
He will consider your petition.
Wait on God, and he will do it."

God, you've proven yourself to me again and again, and it's beautiful every time. I never get tired of seeing you change things and work in our lives in ways that are in direct response to our prayers, and ways that I didn't even expect. God, you know my heart. Be with me here, be with me where I'm going soon, be with me wherever I go for the rest of my life. I never want to close my eyes and stop seeing you work. Continue to listen and to answer. I know you will even when it's hard to believe. You have, you are, and you will. I love you.

Love, prayer, and other good things.

2009-08-30T20:35:00.002-07:00

So this week has gone really well. I'm learning to go with the flow when necessary, more and more easily. I've just really loved my life here lately. Spanish classes are cool too; I've got friendly teachers and classmates and I'm learning a lot. I've discovered how much I like Jaime Sabines, a Mexican poet. Fasting has been going well still too, and thanks to God's grace I haven't been especially short-tempered, just maybe a little stranger than usual. :)

Just good stuff this week, and looking forward to more good weeks to come.

While I was organizing papers the other day, I had one of those "I wrote that?" moments. I vaguely remember some retreat or something during Lubbock time when we were asked something about what love is and how that affects our prayer life. Anyway, it was good to read, and I thought I'd share it.

Loving is trusting.
In prayer, loving God is trusting his goodness and his response.
Loving is adoring.
In prayer, loving God is adoring him for who he is and what he's done.
Loving is surrendering.
In prayer, loving God is surrendering your will for his, your life for his.
Loving is growing.
In prayer, loving God is growing in your faith in him and your wisdom from him.
Loving is listening.
In prayer, loving God is listening to, valuing, believing and applying his word to your life.
Loving is respecting.
In prayer, loving God is respecting his role in your life and submitting to him.
Loving is revealing.
In prayer, loving God is revealing yourself to him honestly and completely, willfully and humbly,
remembering that he loves you regardless.

Ramadan Kareem

2009-08-22T22:19:00.001-07:00

I debated about whether or not it was prudent to write this note for many reasons, not least of all because I believe that fasting should generally not be paraded about, but upon reflection decided that my motives are really to just challenge each other as neighbors on this planet earth. I love you, everyone.

***

Today was the first day of Ramadan. This is the second time I've observed this holy month. I've chosen to do so this year specifically because I really needed a concentrated, fixed time of fasting. I haven't fasted much since beginning the AIM program, ironically, and I can't think of once that I've fasted since moving to Mexico. It's just not as easy here, but that's not a good excuse, because fasting used to be (and I think rightly so) a very important aspect of my pursuit of God, my relationship with him.

Today during daylight hours I abstained from any sustenance (other than water; although this is not strict observance, I'm not Muslim and so I decided that I really do need to drink water). This has already challenged me to meditate on many things: God's strength in our weakness, my shortcomings that are normally masked by my desires being met, God being my only sustainer and my desire not to need anything else, how incredibly ungrateful I am in the simple things of life (I pretty much never think to give thanks before eating), my need to hunger and thirst for righteousness and Jesus' promise to fill us, and the reality of more than a billion hungry people around the world today. I can hardly imagine how an entire month of daylight fasting with these conscious meditations will transform me, by God's grace. This will be very healthy and beneficial for my spiritual development, I'm sure.

So why Ramadan specifically? Obviously I am not a Muslim. Being a Christian could make me shy away from observing any foreign holiday or holy month. First I want to say that I respect all Muslims as fellow human beings, neighbors of mine here on this earth we all share, neighbors like the ones Jesus told me to love as my own self. I have a few Muslim friends (one of whom I lost contact with a while back and still miss dearly) that I love very much. My friends Toby, Chutney and I got the opportunity to visit a mosque during the breaking of a Ramadan fast last year with my friend Eli, and although we made it abundantly clear that we are Christian missionaries, were treated with utmost respect and love. I felt a kind of peace there and am grateful still for that opportunity.

Simultaneously, my being Christian demands that I recognize Allah as a very different god than the Father/Son/Spirit Godhead that I worship. I am not celebrating the revelation of the Qu'ran seeing as I believe it to be false. I have no special respect for Mohammad as a prophet, again, seeing as I believe he was a false one. I believe that the Bible is the word of God and needed no correction or additional revelation, as Paul explains in Galatians and John in Revelation. I don't believe in multiple truths, and I have absolutely no expectation for Muslims, even my friends, to believe in multiple truths either. (See my note Coexist?)

One reason I choose to observe Ramadan specifically is because hunger is a tangible reminder to pray for people. I'm thinking of those in the world who would be severely punished for writing the words above. I'm praying for them. I'm thinking of those who are hungry and have no way of sustaining themselves. I'm praying for them. I'm thinking of those who have a different god or scripture. I'm praying for them. (I'm not just praying for them this month, but being hungry is abnormal for me, so I have a special focus.)

That being said, fasting, prayer, meditation, and scripture reading is not honoring Allah nor Mohammad for me, but honoring Yahweh, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit. I've already found Ramadan to be a beautiful time for me this year and may even make it an annual observance for me personally. I love and respect my Muslim neighbors. I'm praying for them. I will unite with them on what we have in common while standing uncompromised and unashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

This is for you, God. Be with me; be with them; be with us.

Settling

2009-08-16T08:36:00.002-07:00

So I moved in on Monday to the Calderon's room-for-rent, and I really love it. There are still a few complications - a slightly broken sink, no shower yet, a couple things to paint, buying a rack to hang up my clothes, and not exactly knowing renter etiquette when it comes to things like meal times. But I love having my own space and getting alone time more easily, love spending time with Wendy and Andrea and their family, love being challenged even more with my Spanish, just really love it.

I also love the life that happens here in Tlalpan that I'm just now getting involved in. Thomas, one of my former AIM assistants and mainly, a good friend, just moved here recently. His new friend Lalo plays music for a living, "troba" which is a type of Mexican music using acoustic guitar. He's really talented, and he happens to play at the coffee shop under where we meet on Sunday every Friday night. I think this will be good for me. I also went to a birthday party with Wendy and her friends last night where I learned a tiny bit more of salsa. Wendy and Andrea are really good dancers and their dad teaches salsa, so I think I'll be learning a lot from them (hopefully!) :)

Well it's time to go to church, so I'll be back later.

Busy

2009-08-09T20:04:00.002-07:00

Today was one of those days when I'm so busy thinking about all the things I have to do, schedules and whatnot, that I couldn't really enjoy myself. We're really close to being done moving out of the apartment. Tomorrow I'm moving my things, Chutney and Tiffany are getting the rest of their things out, Alfredo is coming to get the furniture they wanted from us and to move the furniture the new guys want from us, and Sean is coming to get the furniture and other things we've borrowed from them. Tuesday I'll trade fridges with James and Lauren and we'll clean, clean, clean. Wednesday we give the keys to our landlord and it's over!

With all of that on my mind, plus planning out a new schedule for when I live in a different place and start going to Spanish classes again, I've kind of been going crazy. So this is my moment to look at the things that happened today that I may have missed at the moment.

Today was Oscar Paco and Oscar Hernandez' last Sunday before they move to Mexicali for preaching school. It will be sad to see them go, but it's great to see their excitement and listen to them talk about this next stage in life. Bryce's LST student Fabio came to church this morning. We gave away a lot of pantry items that we didn't want to take with us, and it was really cool to see everyone "shopping" for things that we otherwise would have had to throw away. Thomas is wanting to start a sort of revolution of "urban pirates" that I'm excited to learn more about. We ate delicious Thai food and had a cool conversation with the chef, a Thai woman with the dream of bringing her food and culture to this country.

It was a good day. There were probably more good things that I didn't even notice at all. I just need to remember to focus on the present more consistently and let the peace of Christ rule my heart.

Disgust.

2009-08-03T13:13:00.004-07:00

I was really considering not blogging about this, because I didn't want anyone to worry about me, but I guess this is supposed to be about my life and this was pretty impacting.

So I've gone over a year with basically no problems from the opposite gender here in Mexico. I'd heard horror stories, but I've make it through just fine so far. Some guy once touched my butt and growled at me, but honestly it didn't faze me much because I was taking a video at the time, so I didn't have the chance to get upset, and it was mostly just strange. Whistles happen, of course, but not to me even as much as others. While it makes me angry, the feeling doesn't last long. Once we were walking down a street and I made the mistake of returning the "Buenos Días" of a stranger, which apparently translated "I think you're hot and you should follow me." It wasn't a big deal though because I was with two other girls and Toby, who valiantly told the man that we weren't interested, that's enough, go away. Eventually he did and all was well.

Today has been the worst by far.

It was 2:00 p.m. I was about to go to Starbucks to work on some classes and study the Bible, but our friend Ivanna came by with her baby son Emanuel looking for Chutney, so I was talking with her at the gate. Some guy on a bike rode up to us asking where Vaqueritos is. We were helping him, and I noticed he was acting kind of strangely, but didn't think much of it. I've seen lots of weirdos before. He was wearing shorts and scratching his thigh. After we explained how to get there, he then informed us that he was looking for the girls he heard of who hang out there, the ones you can pay "and, well, you know," he ended lamely. I was struck dumb when I realized he was looking for the prostitutes I'd heard of being somewhere around Tlalpan. Ivanna was asking him something and I realized that he was hiking up his shorts, and just in time I looked away as Ivanna gasped. He showed her his penis while she had her baby with her. I guess maybe that's sexy to some people, having a baby in a stroller. I just continued to look away and pretend to not pay attention. Realizing that we were not at all interested, he went on his way.

Ivanna and I really didn't know what to say to each other after that. She said that she just felt disgusted. I said I did too and tried to keep talking as if nothing happened. She said she was disgusted again, that it wasn't going away. I said I was sorry and that I was glad to see her again, that I hoped he didn't find anyone. She told me to be careful and we said goodbye.

I've heard horror stories, like I said, and comparatively speaking, I'm glad nothing actually happened to me. I think the most horrifying part of it all was to see someone acting like such an animal, like how a dog will hump just about anything that stays still long enough when it's in the mood. It was absolutely... horrifying. He can't be thinking of the fact that we have lives, we have families, we have souls, even when there's a baby there looking at him in the face. I think of his family and wonder about them, wonder if he's ever heard a thing about God before, wonder what in the world could go so wrong with someone that they would behave this way. I wonder if he's solicited prostitutes before or if this is new for him. I wonder if he'll find anyone today. I hope to God he doesn't find anyone today. I wonder what can change someone who has ruined their humanity so.

And I wonder why the reality of sex trade has never been so real to me before today.

Sometimes what was basically just statistics or facts kicks you in the face so hard that all you can do is sob. I hope to God he doesn't find anyone today, and wish there was a way that I could be sure.

God, save this world, and give us hope.

No apologies this time.

2009-08-01T20:39:00.002-07:00

It's been months, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

(I keep typing the wrong words. It's weird.)

I think it's like, once you go so long without saying anything, you start to feel like there's nothing to say. But I know it's not true.

Swine flu disrupted an already somewhat hectic existence that hasn't quite returned to normalcy yet. I've taken sporadic Spanish classes, traveled to 5 U.S. cities and 4 Mexico cities, had visitors of all sorts, said goodbye to three teammates and hello to three more, gone through a ridiculously wide spectrum of emotions, and now am about to move.

Now that we've caught up...

I've got almost 4 months left, which some days feels too long but most times feels much, much too short. I'm planning to take another course at UNAM because I finally know what it is I want to do with my life: I want to study Spanish and English as a Second Language and teach. I don't want to teach in a school necessarily... I want to teach more privately so it can be more flexible when I have a family someday.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm trying to think of what I want to have done and accomplished with the rest of my time. I have four friends here specifically that I want to invest in as much as I can: Rocío, Grecia, Wendy, and Adriana. I want to visit Morelia if I can, and also visit the Anthropology Museum and the Sonora market. I'll for sure be at the next missionary retreat and am hoping to not be violently ill this time. I wanted to learn guitar, but I think Spanish classes are going to replace that desire for now.

I'm also trying to figure out how I want to live when I'm done here. But, I feel like this is getting boring (lots of "I's"), so I'll end for now. Pray for us. Love to everyone.

Not sure how to say it

2009-04-23T20:47:00.002-07:00

So these past couple of weeks have been full of epiphany-type moments, and I've been wanting to share them but not knowing how. Here's my best shot:

I hope you all have the kind of mother that I do. Whenever I was really excited about something, she wanted to hear all about it. If I was sick, she would put a washcloth on my forehead and stroke my hair until I fell asleep, only waking me if I needed some more medicine. Or if I was upset about something, she would just let me cry, no questions asked, and wait for me to speak while she held me.

Did you know that God is like that for us? Did you know the times that he relates our relationship to that of a mother and child? One of his names is El Shaddai, God Almighty Who Nourishes and Sustains, coming from the Hebrew word "shad" meaning breast. This is the characteristic of God that I think of when I'm in pain, my mental image of God in my sorrow. A couple of examples:

"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you" (Isaiah 49:15).

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not!" (Matthew 23:37).

Even Paul as an apostle of Christ describes his relationship with the Thessalonian church in this way:

"But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children" (1 Thessalonians 2:7)

One verse in particular makes me think of my relationship with my mother:

"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" (Psalm 56:8)

God knows our every tear, and he records them. To me, this says that he really, truly cares about us. He is never ashamed of our tears. He is compassionate, and he understands, just as he showed us through Jesus as he wept various times in his life.

Our suffering is temporary. We know this. We have a hope that someday our tears will be wiped away, forever. Even more, our tears are meaningful, valuable, healing, growing...

Our joy doesn't come from just ignoring our pain, distracting ourselves from it, or convincing ourselves it doesn't exist. And yes, we do have joy, and it is within the pain, through it, in this hope we have, that our pain echoes something beautiful in eternity.

I was crying for a close friend, and crying for a boy I've only ever seen on a video screen, when suddenly God reminded me of 1 Corinthians 15:58 - "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." The context is the resurrection of the dead - because of this hope, our labor is not in vain. I knew this when it came to things like mission work and Bible studies. I never thought to apply it to my relationships with my best friends, my work for children on the other side of the world... these things are not in vain, and not just because he loves them, but because he loves me. He loves me enough to let me do things that are valuable in my life, that change other people, that change myself.

God is my everything, in joy, in pain, now and forever.

Adventures and such

2009-04-14T11:03:00.003-07:00

We've been exploring more of the city lately, partly thanks to our friend Tara Linn moving here a couple of months ago. I had still only gone to one museum (Chapultapec castle: way cool) until recently - now I've gone to both Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo's houses and to Bellas Artes. I've discovered a love for the Mexican mural, one of my favorite types of art. They're huge and colorful and they always tell a story, very emotionally and politically charged. There are graffiti murals all around the city too. I'm going to miss them someday.

Tara Linn also discovered this hole-in-the-wall used bookstore through her friends at work. It's run by a bunch of middle-aged artsy/philosophical type folks. I've been with her a couple of times, and we've seen really cool watercolor art, eaten way too old "fine" cheese, and learned some of the native Aztec language, Nahuatl. We do repeatedly have to turn down their kind offers of wine and fine beers though, haha. Tiffany and Tara once went downtown to this mad-crazy art festival which apparently happens every Saturday that they told them about. Hopefully I'll make it sometime.

Today, Tara Linn and I went exploring at the Tlalpan Forest. It's really a lot bigger than I'd realized. I'd gone running there before, but just stayed on the small track. This time however on different trails we found a bee hive, plants I'd never seen before like short curly trees and strange worm-like flower stalks, giant wood creatures, crazy gnarly trees and newborn baby trees, vibrantly beautiful flowers, several shrines to Guadalupe, and probably a bunch of other things I'm forgetting. We decided before we left to go on the big track all the way around the forest, but we got lost. After winding around tiny paths and getting totally direction-confused, we started hearing screams and machinery noises. Thinking of construction and maybe a kid's club, we tried to go towards the noise to end up in the outside world again. Except, we suddenly saw the high arches of rollercoasters and I realized, we're right outside of Six Flags. How bizzare. Then we noticed a wall to our right, and had no idea how we'd gotten ourselves into this narrow, semi-pathless area... we continued on, hoping for a street or something, almost lost hope at the sight of a very high fence, but made it through a gate that said "No robes las plantas" (don't steal the plants). We made it on a bus safely in the end. :)

I'm beginning to feel at home in new ways here. Not to mention disorganized passion plays and $11 tickets to Six Flags (on purpose this time)... Who knows what adventures we may have next?

A good book I'm reading

2009-04-07T10:03:00.002-07:00

My sister Lindsay gave me a book for Christmas called Into the Den of Infidels. It's a few stories about Muslims who became Christians. It's been really great for me to read, giving me fresh perspective on my faith and reminding me simultaneously of the need and hope for the Muslim world. One guy wrote this and I've been thinking about it a lot lately:

One day, many questions arose in my mind and totally changed my life from an ordinary one to a life full of surprises and changes. This day was the day I started high school. That period is very important to everyone, in my opinion, for in that period one starts to search for one's identity, to scrutinize things taken for granted.

Each of us has inherited our religion, language, race, and gender. No one has chosen any of these factors, important as they are and very effective in forming us. We deal with this compulsory inheritance with ourselves, with God, and with others. For example, we as Muslims are born and raised to hate Jews and Christians, and to believe that Muslims are the best people in the whole world. No one could ever imagine that the others (Jews, Christians, etc.) could be right at all. This idea of others being right never even existed, not once in a blue moon.

Very few people would think of examining the things we inherited, or of questioning how right this inheritance was. If we ask others (Jews and Christians) to examine their inheritance and correct it, it means we are very sure that they are wrong, and we consider them blind because they accept their inheritance without examination. It would be appropriate if we would to what we asked of others. (It's logical that you treat people the same way you would have them treat you.) I think that examining our inheritance and trying to discover the truth would make us deeply rooted in the good areas and more flexible to change the areas of ignorance and vanity. Surely the true God loves people who search for the truth, the light, the good, and the better life.

This has been what I've tried to do for a long time, starting even before this man says, way back in middle school. After a lot of questions and tears and confusion for many years, I finally decided to really give my life to Christ when I was 19. However, I still examine these things all of the time. It's a bit of a different process since I have decided to be a Christian and since I've grown to trust God and the Bible, but nonetheless I'm always asking questions about what exactly [this] means or if [that] really is compatible with God's word or if I can really believe the implications of [that]. It's not easy. But it's good.

I especially find myself examining my faith when I'm studying with others, even more especially when they have an inheritance completely and utterly different than mine, like my friend Momoko from Japan. She asks questions that I would have never even thought to ask. And it's not easy to find the answers together, but it's good, because like that man says, "Surely the true God loves people who search for the truth, the light, the good, and the better life." Or like the Bible says, "And without faith it is impossible to please him [God], because whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him" (Hebrews 11:6).

Have you examined your inheritance? Have you changed your faith over the years, pruning and growing? What have you found? What would you have me find too?

Brownbag - Camp Adventure

2009-03-18T23:32:00.001-07:00

(A letter written to the people in Lubbock who are in the same program as me, plus some campers and other wonderful people:)

Hey all you lovely people. I really wish I could be sitting with you guys right now, but seeing as I’d already come to Lubbock in October, I didn’t want to overdo it. Just know that I love you! I struggle between extremes of feeling like I have way too much to say and that I have nothing to say at all… so I’ll try to make this worthwhile.

We talk a lot about spiritual gifted-ness and DISC tests and all of that stuff, and I do think it’s good and important to recognize our strengths and weaknesses. But honestly, when you’re being Christ and involved in others' lives, you’re going to be called to do lots of different things, whether you’re comfortable with it or not. Take the opportunities in front of you to really give what is needed. If someone needs help with English, teach energetically. If you’re talking about the Gospel, do it without shame. If you’re volunteering at a park or a hospital, work your hardest. If you’re listening to someone’s story, do it with patience. If you’re praying with someone, whatever denomination or religion or lack thereof they may be, pray knowing that God is listening and answering with good gifts. I know not everyone is going to a foreign field, but I got great advice from Brent of the ’06 Peru team (if you’re there, hey! :D) that when you’re learning a new language, remember that it’s always better to say something encouraging, even if you’re grammar’s wrong, than to not say anything at all.

What I’m trying to say is do what’s in front of you and do it your best. There will be times when you’re disappointed, when people you’ve invested so much in still decide to love the world more than their God, when you have no idea how to answer someone’s questions adequately, when you just feel useless. I love Psalm 62 during these times; verses 5-8 say “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.” Remember your own salvation, and take hope in that. Remember that you are no one’s savior, rather you are a servant of the only one who saves. Romans 12:9 through the end of the chapter is great too, but especially verse 12 – “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

And please, please remember that God doesn’t only strengthen us when we’re locked in a closet with him. Praying and studying the Bible and journaling and fasting… all of these things are really good. But God made us a part of a Body – draw strength from them. You can even draw strength from serving other people. It’s like eating and exercising – exercising is hard work, and you’d pass out if you hadn’t eaten anything, but do you honestly expect to be as healthy and happy as you could be without it? So to make it brief, take the opportunities you have, with love, and trust God to make something beautiful out of it even when you don’t understand. That goes for wherever we are for the rest of our lives.

Shout outs:

Any Grass Valley AIMers, past, present, future – I absolutely love you and can’t wait til I see you again.

To Lindsey Vivian – Have you managed to break any more chairs with your tiny self? :D I love you and your energetic hugs. Let’s hold hands again someday soon.

To Lily – I love that you respond to my many status updates. I love you too. Come visit!

To Ginger – I had a dream I was playing with your hair and you had green streaks in it. Crazy, no? I miss you and can’t wait til you visit.

To the Tulsa campers – I never got to come to Camp Adventure until I was an AIMer – hope you have a great time!

To Cairen – I love you and love that you’re with people I love. :D

To all ‘07ers – I wish I didn’t have to wait another year to see all your faces again.

To Rachel Holler (and Amanda if she’s there) – thanks for making Camp Adventure good memories.

I love you everyone and I’m praying for you.

I still feel like I have nothing to say... but here goes anyway. :)

2009-02-24T16:38:00.003-08:00

I'm grateful for what I have, but sometimes I still feel like I have too much. An easy answer to this might be, well, get rid of some stuff. But when it's the place that I live that feels like too much, it's not really that easy. Having space in our apartments has been good for when people come to stay and when we had small groups here and Clara's birthday party, but for the most part, I just feel like it's not necessary. Not bad maybe, just not necessary.

Today was one of those days - Nancy came over, this time with her mom and her little brother. She was telling them, "Their kitchen is big, their rooms are big..." and her mom responded, "It is very nice." And I feel like I have too much.

I'm not saying that I need to live in poverty in order to be a Christian or anything, I'm just saying that if I really don't feel that something is necessary, and I'm living better than a lot of people around me, maybe that means I should be living differently.

We'll be moving most likely in August. I really like our apartment, but part of me is still looking forward to this.

I think that's it for now. We've started a small group for our area again, this time at the boys' apartment. So I'm off!

Hey blog, It's been awhile.

2009-02-19T15:06:00.002-08:00

So today I was sick, cold-type stuff that I hope doesn't turn into sinus infection-type stuff.

Anyway, I've been having a hard time lately for lots of reasons that I really don't feel like typing. I'll just say that sometimes when the people you pour your life into are discouraged, it's hard not to become discouraged yourself. But yesterday things took a turn for the better in my perspective. Hope is always a good thing, like I always say. One thing that was oddly encouraging today was reading my journal from the beginning of my time here. I haven't been so good at journaling lately but before I did at least semi-frequently. Anyway, it was cool to see different things I had been learning in the Bible during those times and different things that were really hard, that maybe aren't so hard anymore. Nice to see progress and to be reminded of good things.

I loved having all the AIMers here recently, plus all the Lubbock people and several classmates and AIMers from '06. All in all there were almost 100 people visiting Mexico City - beautiful chaos. I think my favorite parts were chatting with Ginger and Lily and singing with everyone. It was crazy when, after the majority of the group went home, we still had 10 girls staying in our apartment altogether, and the guys had 6 in theirs. I especially liked seeing the Honduras girls from my class (I miss them!) and getting to know the guys who went to Peru in the class before mine.

Tonight I'm going to hang out with Tara Linn, my friend who went to Japan in the '03 AIM class with other good friends like Daniel Lee. Anyway, she just moved here when the AIMers came and it's been really good to spend time with her. She's going through some hard culture shock, just knowing how to be safe but not paranoid, and the language barrier is discouraging. But she'll make it, I'm sure, just like we all have. :)

Ok I think that's it for now. I think I'm going to try to get on this thing more, after being inspired from reading my journal today. We'll see.

Wow.

2009-01-28T15:43:00.003-08:00

My life has been really crazy lately, and really beautiful. I've had some of the hardest conversations with some Mexican friends thus far, but God answers our prayers with good things. I've learned some really painful histories of other friends here too, and it breaks my heart as I know how much God hates sin. I feel completely reconciled after tears and over-long anger with some of my teammates here, which is totally amazing. I've gotten to be a friend to a person who felt like they didn't really have any others at the time, a great opportunity. Bible studies continue as people become more and more personally engaged in what the Word has to say for their own lives. The weather has, though no ice storms, given us dry heat that I forgot existed, downpours from absolutely nowhere, and beautiful warmth that makes me want to stay outside all day. Birthday parties, ice-skating, park days, making art and reading new J.K. Rowling all have been just plain fun. I feel like Mexico has shown me some of its worst and God has shown me some of his best. I love it here - even when it's dark, God's grace shines the brighter, and I'm learning just as much (/more?) from these people even as I'm teaching. I just wrote a bunch of cards to supporters letting them know how utterly grateful I am to have this opportunity to be here.

I know these are just names to most of you, but would you pray for these people, even just once? Luz and her family, Nancy and her family, Grecia and her family, Rocío, all of our English students, Momoko, Clara and her family, the Chavez-Durán family, Norma, my team, the next AIM team coming in May, Quinton, Tara Linn, Thomas, Claudia and her family, Ana and her friends, Cris, Israel and Nelly. These are just some people that have been on my heart especially lately. I wish you could meet them all, but hey, we have a hope for the future eh? I'm also really looking forward to the 2008 AIM class' visit here in just over a week...

And as a random note to end, I'm going to embark on an adventure called Thing-a-Day (www.thing-a-day.com). I was invited by a friend in Nevada City via Facebook to join a group of artists in making one thing every day in February. I'm not sure if I'll actually pull through, but I have lots of ideas brewing and maybe this is the inspiration I needed to get some of them done. I'll share the results with you. Feel free to join! :)

Facts about Agape love from 1 John

2009-01-10T10:57:00.003-08:00

Just for a quick update, being in the States for Christmas, my brother's wedding, and New Year's was absolutely wonderful. I spent good quality time with my family, whom I miss very much when I'm here in Mexico, and some good friends too. The wedding was beautiful and so happy! I loved my visit, and felt very satisfied when it was time to come back to the City. I really do love it here too.

Before I get back to work on some things, I wanted to share what I've been learning about love from 1 John. I find that it helps me remember when I share things with other people.

1) Keeping God's Word means being perfected in His love. Loving one another is his message from the beginning, his commandment for us. (2:5; 3:11, 23; 3:23; 4:21)

2) Loving one another also means being perfected in His love. (4:12) It means abiding in the light (2:10), loving God and obeying him (5:2-3), not stumbling in the darkness (2:10), and God abiding in you for the world to see (4:12). We cannot really love God if we do not love one another (4:20-21; 5:1).

3) Being perfected in love causes us to have confidence in the day of judgment, so that we don't fear, because perfect love and fear cannot coexist. (4:17-18)

4) Loving "worldly things" (desires of the flesh, desires of the eyes, pride in possessions) is the opposite of loving God. (2:15)

5) God has loved us by calling us his sons (3:1) and by Christ's sacrifice (3:16; 4:9-10). He loved us first (4:9-11, 19).

6) If we are really God's sons, we love our brothers (3:1; 4:7, 11). If we don't love, we're not really his children (3:10; 4:7-8).

7) Love is life. Not loving is death. (3:14; 4:9).

8) Love is from God. Loving means we know God (4:7).

9) God IS love (4:8, 16). Abiding in love means that God abides in us, and us in him - reciprocal, mutual love (4:16).

10) Love and truth are irrevocably connected. We must believe in the love of God (3:18; 4:16).

Romance, discontent, brokennes, renewal

2008-12-18T19:20:00.002-08:00

As the title suggests, I have a lot on my mind, and I'm going to try to make this coherent.

Everyone has something that distracts them. Well, actually, I believe everyone has several things that distract them... Yet I've come to know that the biggest distraction for me is one that I believe is very common: romantic relationships. I'm not exactly referring to being *in* a relationship and being distracted, seeing as I have only been in one legit relationship in my entire life. Instead, I build dreams around people when I see the potential, and those dreams become distracting. When I see that they aren't being realized, when I still feel lonely, then comes something that is very, very unhealthy.

Discontent. I don't feel depressed or despairing or anything that dramatic, just this dull discontent that robs my joy and thankfulness. No wonder envy is referred to as idolatry. When I feel discontent with my current state of being, it is the most difficult to praise God, really. It's almost as though I can't think of things to be thankful for nor to ask for - everything just seems hollow, and I'm terrified that I won't receive whatever I believe will make me happy.

And then it happens. The *it* is a little different every time, and maybe that's why it's called brokenness. Suddenly, the hope of my fill-in-the-blank dream disappears with a horrible snap and I'm left with heavy disappointment.

This has happened countless times in my life (and I'm sure in yours too) but very specifically, I'm referring to the loneliness of a broken dream of being *with* someone. It doesn't matter who broke it. I remember the first time I experienced this: I was 10, and my response was intense bitterness. (Got started early, eh?) Then at 14, I cried for what seemed like hours in my mom's arms, sobbing "I don't want to let go" again and again. Then after highschool, overwhelmed by guilt and curled up crying alone. A few years later, less tears, a bit more trust. Again, and again.

The most recent time was the same pain, the same self-given lies, the same loneliness, but more than ever I became aware of this strength that was most definitely not my own. Maybe it's because we'd just been studying brokenness, maybe it's because of the Leeland song I'd been listening to, but I remembered, I experienced a healing even in the midst of the pain. The verse in Lamentations comes to mind, "The Lord is my portion says my soul; therefore I will hope in him."

Even in the wake of broken dreams, there is a hope that God is ever-present, God is good, and God only does good things in my life. Sometimes good things don't feel good. But how can I know what the outcome of any given situation would be? Maybe God is protecting me from a worse pain. Maybe he is preparing me for something even deeper.

Or maybe he can just take any situation, no matter how ugly or stupid, and use it to remind me that he is enough and I can trust him.

Jesus cried in the garden, knowing that God could take away his suffering on the cross. Yet he trusted him to the end. God wants me to be conformed to this very image, a daughter who cries out my deepest longings even while I trust that his will is more perfect than mine, and I can and will submit.

I'm afraid I'm not explaining myself well. God isn't pleased by discontent or betrayal or any sin, of course, but like I've said before, just because something is evil, doesn't mean God can't bring good out of it. Just because God can bring good out of it, doesn't make it any less evil.

The point is, even through my ugly weakness of loneliness and my perhaps silly repeated dreams of finding the person I'll spend the rest of my life with, God is my strength. Even when I feel like I keep making the same mistakes and feeling the same disappointments, I can see that in reality I am in fact growing, just like he promised.

And that strength in weakness, that constant presence and unfailing love that no one else in this fallen world can offer me (that I can't offer anyone else), that saving grace, it all makes me fall in love with this God even more, trusting him with everything.

The cycle will begin again, like the moon waxing and waning, like summer to autumn to winter to spring. But every time, I learn something new. I'm conformed. I grow. And that makes the brokenness worth it. Maybe it'll be a different situation someday, but the same hope will prevail.

I'm sure of it.

New Videos

2008-12-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

Sorry it took so long, but I have about 15-20 new videos from the past few months on my youtube. And a newsletter is coming soon!

La Santa Muerte

2008-12-10T20:54:00.002-08:00

I had a brief and interesting conversation with our taxi driver tonight. Our coordinator Sean likes to ask taxi drivers about the things they have in their taxis, so I thought I would ask our taxista Roberto about his many images of La Santa Muerte, or the Sacred Dead. She is like a grim reaper, and there's a very large subculture here that worships her. I'd never actually talked to someone who did, so I thought this was a good opportunity.

"Is this the Sacred Dead?" I asked.

"Yes, I have several." (Pointing to the other images.)

"Are these things that you use to worship, or do you just think they're cool, or what?" (He also had a cross, so I was curious.)

"Oh yes, we woship her, she is like a little angel that protects us."

"So are you Catholic?" (Pointing to the cross.)

"Yes, yes I am."

"Oh, I don't really know much about religion in Mexico, so I didn't know that the Sacred Dead was a part of Catholocism."

"Well, the Catholic church rejects her, and lots of other religions too, but it's like God is good, and demons are evil, and she's in the middle, neither good nor bad. So she can help us. And what religion are you?"

"Oh, I'm Christian." (He asked if I had been at church, so we talked a bit about the small group we had just left.)

"So you guys don't believe in the Sacred Dead?"

"Well, no. We believe that the only mediator we need is Jesus Christ, like the Bible says."

"Oh yeah, well, Jesus tells you to follow him, to come to him. The Sacred Dead doesn't say that. We can just do what we want and she protects us. But I respect all religions. I mean, you talk about religion or politics, you're going to disagree right?"

And that was about it. I still find it so amazing that we as people all over the world seem to have no problem whatsoever hanging our crosses next to our idols, whatever form it may have. But what really struck me about this man is how honest he was about not wanting to follow Jesus, even if he wanted Jesus to be a part of his religion. But the thing is, following Jesus isn't a burden - it isn't easy, but it's a life of love and hope, a life that lasts.

Good and evil, God and Satan, they're not equal opposites. Jesus conquered sin and death - if we follow him, we have no need to fear the other powers of this world. I think we all need to be reminded of that.

"This world is not my home..."

2008-11-30T19:39:00.002-08:00

So last night I was thinking -

It would take several lifetimes to experience all of the beauty this world has to offer: all of the food, all of the music, all of the places to see, all of the things to do...

and all of the people,

not just to meet, but to really get to know. How many people are there in your life that you wish you could get to know better? I have hundreds, and yet I still go on meeting more. I have good friends on every continent, and though some are there only temporarily, who knows where we'll end up next? On top of that, there are people in my life that I could spend just about every day with and it would never be too much; they're just that special to me.

And not even just spending time with people, but learning and sharing things: history, culture, language,

God's Word.

And then I think of heaven - life, forever.

Not just with the beautiful things God made and the amazing people he created but in the literal Presence of God Himself, completely and absolutely free from all the worries and fears and anxieties and pain and evil desires that plague us on this earth fallen from grace.

And I think, I love life so much that I almost want to die.

***

"For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

"Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure."

"...waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ..."

***

As I wait, I want to be one of those people that I look up to, those people that are absolutely teeming with life that people can't help but notice, not vainly but beautifully, and showing others how to be the same. God is here now, here with us, here in us,

but it will be better later.

And that is hope at it's truest, it's best.

Easy vs. Good

2008-11-19T21:19:00.004-08:00

These four words have been on my mind lately: trust, patience, self-control, and joy.

There are two specific ways I'm learning these things:

1) I don't want to complain anymore. It's so easy to just sit around and complain, and it seems fun when everyone else is doing it, but afterwards I get the feeling after watching a whole episode of fill-in-the-blank sitcom or eating way too many cookies - aka, gross. What's easy usually isn't what's right. I just wish I could realize what I'm doing before the conversation is over and I have that gross feeling.

2) I've been starting to think about "after AIM" again - where will I be? How in the world will I be able to work, go to school, and be as involved with ministry as I'd like to be? And so on. It's times like these when I like to remember that one of God's names is Yahweh Yireh, meaning God will provide. God sees what I need, sees what I want, and most importantly, sees what's best for me. I can pray, asking for things that I want, that I think would be best, with complete confidence. I don't have to be afraid of a no, because if the answer is no, then he has something better for me. I don't have to be afraid of a yes, because if he says yes that means this really is what's best. I don't have to be afraid of a wait, because that way I get to keep seeking, keep asking, and keep knocking - aka, patience. Again, this isn't easy, but it's good. I have a God who cares about me, who loves me, and who is powerful enough to take my anxieties (and even my mistakes) and make them into something beautiful. 1 Peter 5:6-7 is really cool.

In the end, easy doesn't mean good, God is good, and I'm thankful.

My new schedule

2008-11-14T06:35:00.003-08:00

Just thought I'd let you guys know what my week looks like these days. :)

Sunday: Meet with the church at 10:30 until about 2:00, eat lunch, then sometimes free time sometimes projects with the future Santa Ursula Coapa church plant.

Monday: AIM day - the whole team is together basically all day; we have a class with Sean, eat lunch together, and sometimes do something else fun. This week we're going to a water park south of the city. Then Diego and I study the Bible (the Gospel message) with Momoko at 7:30.

Tuesday: Spanish class from 9:00 to 1:00. Study the Bible (Colossians) with Nancy in San Andres at 3:00, get home about 6:30.

Wednesday: Study the Bible (1 Peter) with Tab from 8:00 - 9:15 ish. Study English for an hour with Lupita at 9:30. Brownbag - the whole team eats lunch together (take turns who makes it or going out) and prays together from 12:00 - 4:00. Study English with Grecia for an hour at 5:00. Small group at Norma and Alfredo's from 7:00 til about 10-ish. (Very busy day haha)

Thursday: Still kind of a question mark. We don't have group this night anymore because they combined on Wednesday, and I'm still looking for a service project for the morning. But I study English at 3:00 with Rosa and 5:00 with Grecia.

Friday: Day off! Get things done, hang out with people, etc.

Saturday: Study the Bible (Colossians) with Diego at around 10:00 and plan our study for Momoko. Sometimes we'll have a service project with Santa Ursula. Youth small group 4:00 til about 6:00; every other week girls and guys are split up.

Every day I try to set aside time to pray for an hour and have my own personal Bible study (right now, 1 John and the will of God). I probably spend too much time on the computer, but I love keeping in touch with all of my loved ones, like you! Of course I have to keep up with dishes, groceries, sweeping floors, etc. as well. There are also nights that you'll find me in Chutney's bed keeping her awake with questions or my own dilemas haha.

And that's my life in a nutshell. :)

Our field presentation video for the current AIM class in Lubbock

2008-11-09T17:50:00.003-08:00

My blog wouldn't let me embed this video, but here's the link. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7825758901659392670

Thanks Sean for uploading it. If I'd tried to put it on youtube it would've taken 4 installments.

Just a little bit about church planting

2008-11-08T22:20:00.002-08:00

We just had our second meeting tonight with the two families living in Santa Ursula Coapa (a small area of the city with about 300,000 people) about our desire to plant a church there. It's so exciting to see their excitement and ideas for reaching out to the people in their own neighborhood. I've never been involved in something like this before, so I felt pretty overwhelmed at first. As time went on however, I remembered that we're really just following God in the work that he's already doing, so I don't have to worry. A lot of prayer is going into this (I invite you to be praying too) and I'm excited to see what people we'll meet, what lives will change, how this will help me grow myself.

So, these are our plans for the moment. Once a month, on either a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, all of us (the two families, me and the boys, and Sean's family, plus anyone else in the church who wants to be involved) will do some sort of activity together in the community. Our first plan is to clean up this neglected park. Next we want to have a prayer night where we invite people from the community so that we can pray with them. Sometime we would like to sing together in the park. Before Easter, we want to have a showing of the Jesus film that's directly based from the book of Luke. We're going to have the AIMers of this class in Lubbock hand out flyers during their Mexico trip in February. Sean has done this before in three other places and it has always been successful.

We AIMers are going to do interviews with the people, asking what needs they have, their story, and really anything they want to tell us. This is a good way for us to get to know people and get ideas for how we can serve them better. Service matters most when you first listen to the needs of the people. Also we would like to hand out more invitations to the two small groups in that area and go on prayer walks throughout the colonia.

We have a billion other ideas, but these are our ideas we'll impliment first. I really love the families we're getting to work with, and I'm totally confident that God is already in this place. I'm so amazed to be able to work with him on something so precious. Pray for us!

Come alive

2008-10-29T17:20:00.003-07:00

I just did an English class with Grecia (English class sounds so... formal. Really we just read and listen to fun things that I can sneak in good Biblical conversation easily. haha) and we listened to a couple of Foo Fighters songs. The first one is called Let It Die, and we talked about how she feels about death, why a lot of people blame God for their loved ones' deaths and so on, especially appropriate right before Mexico's infamous holiday Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). Then I asked her if there was any hope for a person like this, angry about death.

Next song, Come Alive. Here's the lyrics (more or less):

Seems like only yesterday, life belonged to runaways -
Nothing here to see, no looking back.
Every sound, monotone. Every color, monochrome.
Light began to fade into the black.
Such a simple animal, sterylized with alcohol;
I could hardly feel me anymore.
Desperate and meaningless, all filled up with emptiness,
Felt like everything was said and done.

I laid there in the dark and I closed my eyes.
You saved me the day you came alive.

Still I tried to find my way, spinning hours into days,
Burning like a flame behind my eyes.
Drown it out, drink it in, crown the king of suffering.
Prisoner, a slave to the disguise.
Disappear, the only thing bittersweet surrendering -
Knew that it was time to say goodbye.

I laid there in the dark and I closed my eyes.
You saved me the day you came alive.
No reason left for me to survive.
You saved me the day you came alive.

Come alive...

Nothing more to give - I can finally live. Come alive.
Your life in me - I can finally breathe. Come alive.

I laid there in the dark, opened my eyes.
You saved me the day you came alive. Come alive.

***

So then we talked a lot about hopelessness vs. hope. Here are the verses I had her read:

Isaiah 53:1-6 > Who has believed what he has heard from us? And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? For he grew up before him like a young plant,and like a root out of dry ground; he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,and no beauty that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Matthew 27:27-31 > Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the governor's headquarters, and they gathered the whole battalion before him. And they stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on his head and put a reed in his right hand. And kneeling before him, they mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews! And they spit on him and took the reed and struck him on the head. And when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the robe and put his own clothes on him and led him away to crucify him.

Matthew 28:1-10 > Now after the Sabbath, toward the dawn of the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to see the tomb. And behold, there was a great earthquake, for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothing white as snow. And for fear of him the guards trembled and became like dead men. But the angel said to the women, Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead, and behold, he is going before you to Galilee; there you will see him. See, I have told you. So they departed quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to tell his disciples. And behold, Jesus met them and said, Greetings! And they came up and took hold of his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, Do not be afraid; go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee, and there they will see me

John 11:25-26 > Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?

And so, I said that this song makes me think of all of these things. "I understand if you don't believe this, but the Bible is reliable history, and this is where my hope comes from." Like the man in the song went from hopeless to full of life, that's what these things mean to me. "It's a good thing to think about," I told her.

And she agreed. We'll see someday what she concludes.

A few things I've learned over the last couple of years:

2008-10-22T09:54:00.002-07:00

Just because something is evil, doesn't mean God can't bring good out of it. Just because God can bring good out of it, doesn't make it any less evil.

There is never any reason to be defensive. If I'm right, then light will manifest the truth, so I should continue to walk in that light. If I'm wrong, then light will manifest the truth, and instead of defending myself, I need to change and continue to walk in that light.

Just because something isn't perfect, doesn't mean it's broken. The only person I can completely trust always is God - not myself, not my family, not my best friends, not my boyfriend, not my leaders. Everyone fails - love never fails. Failing isn't something to be paranoid about or something to be crushed over. Let love drive out all fear; let sorrow be godly and bring forth repentance; let myself be purified and grow; let God deny the proud and give grace to the humble; let Satan be the liar and the Holy Spirit be the counselor.

Never, ever, ever be manipulated. God gave me choices in my life, and it's my privilege to make them.

Friends come and go, and that's ok. Be a good one to everyone, and have a few that I never leave behind. Be grateful for past ones and enjoy them when the opportunity arises. Don't try to be best friends with every single person I'd like to be, because that is simply not possible.

Listen to God's word, and stop worrying so much about my own opinions and everyone elses'. It's impossible to please everyone, impossible to know myself completely, so spend time learning about God and his (the only) truth, and I'll find what I was meant to be in the first place.

Hope in Christ is the very best thing in the world. Don't be ashamed.

Never stop learning more and more about God's glory, i.e., love. Never stop learning, period.

...and things got really crazy.

2008-10-20T10:58:00.002-07:00

So I guess it's been almost a month since I updated this thing - since then, I've finished Spanish classes, gone to the beach, gone to Cuernavaca, said goodbye to Jacob and Amanda, gone to Lubbock, and had a meeting with Sean and Jeni about my ministry focus. Of course I'm not going to talk about all of those things, but here's a bit to share.

Lubbock was wonderful. I really wasn't expecting much since I knew it wouldn't be the same without my classmates, but meeting the new AIMers was so fun, and seeing some of the assistants was sooo good. I got to stay with Ginger (she's like one of my favorite people ever) and I spent a lot of time with Lily, Thomas, and Beth too. The presentation went well - they liked our video, asked good questions, and some are already saying they want to come. I really hope we get a new team next year, and I think we probably will.

Talking with Sean and Jeni was really good. My main focus here, at least over the next several months, will be one-on-one Bible studies. I already have several of these, whether it's LST or just straight-up Bible in Spanish. I also want to integrate more service projects into my work here. I'm going to start focusing on the area where Sean and Jeni and a couple of other families here want to plant a church, so I'll start/keep going to the two small groups in that area and try to find some work to do in the community center there.

I've kind of taken a break from reading 1 & 2 Thessalonians to read 1 John, 1 Peter, and James. But I did look at Thessalonians again last night and wrote down all the things Paul prayed for - there are a lot, and they're all very inspiring. I think the one that stood out the very most is 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 > "Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word." I need comfort here sometimes, and I definitely need to be established in the work I do and the words I say.

Pray for me, and for our team. Things are hard sometimes, but God's weakness is greater than our strength.

Brownbag letter, #3

2008-09-30T15:42:00.001-07:00

(Letter I just sent to the current AIMers in Lubbock)

I really meant to write last week, but totally forgot. This will be random, but I’ll try to make sense.

September 15th was so awesome – Mexican Independence day is nothing like ours, kind of like a mix of Thanksgiving, New Year’s Eve, and a cheesy Mexican costume party. We had a great time with the families from the church.

In other news, I’ve absolutely loved the response letters from you guys (thanks!) but one thing I will mention is don’t forget to tell me who you are. One person wants me to email them, I don’t know who. And Q, I need more than one letter to friend you on facebook. Haha.

Last week was rough (more on that someday) but I’m so happy right now for many reasons:

1) I’m coming to Lubbock soon! Chutney, Toby, Tiffany, Sean (my coordinator) and I are coming for the field presentation. You guys have already heard a few of these, and I know it can get really overwhelming, but when it comes to teams and fields I’ve been remembering what Lily said to us recently, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” So keep praying and everything will work out for the good. (Romans 8:28-29 – read it!)

2) I’m almost done with Spanish classes at the university! I really thought I was going to fail my oral final today, I was all shakey and nausious (maybe that’s why Toby calls me Hermione…) but it went really well and now all I have to do is the written part (way easier) before I get to just take one day a week of classes. If you can’t tell, I’m really excited to not be stuck on a bus for 2 ½ hours everyday anymore. However, I did make some really amazing friends in my Spanish class, which leads me to...

3) God brings opportunities where we never thought would be possible. Diego and I are going to start studying with our classmate from Japan, Momoko. She asked if she could come meet with the church with us, but I think it probably confused her more than anything seeing as she knows virtually nothing about Jesus, Christianity, the Bible… pray for us! I have a new LST student who was my classmate too, also from Japan named Junko (Joon-koh). And lastly my classmate from Kansas named Eli invited me to go to her mosque. She’s Sufi (mystic) Muslim. I loved going with my friend and learning more about her faith, and now she wants to come to small group with us sometime. You’ll learn this from Chris Swinford if you don’t know already, but take every opportunity, even if it seems strange, to reach out to people.

Shout outs:
Ginger: I’m SO excited to stay with you soon and to hear you laugh and say “What??” at the same time, just like always.
Alisha: I’m trying I promise! Can’t wait to see you!
Kris: I’ve been reminded lately of how much I appreciate you. Sorry about your foot. Thanks for all the emails – they really help.
Lily: Thank you for… well, everything.
Charlie: Oklahoma is OK! Or in my opinion better than ok… but yeah I’ve never actually been to Stillwater, sad times, but I miss Tulsa a whole lot. Represent!
Ramiro: I’m doing really well, thanks, how are you?
Brandon: My favorite color is rainbow. What’s yours?
Joe Tipps: You’ll always be an assistant in my heart. (awww… not sure what that means but it’s true) I love you!
Angel: (I think that’s your name, hard to read.) My favorite food here is chicken tostadas. Yours?
Megan: Your pictures are beautiful, keep them up!
EVAN!!! (…)
John and Rachel: I was going to chastise you for not writing me, but then you did, so now all I have to say is, good job! Can’t wait to see you guys.
Ryan: Thanks man, but I honestly hope I do change, you know, keep growing and stuff.
Rachel Holler: I LOVE YOU!
Ben Walker: Mexico is a lot like India in some ways, it’s pretty crazy.
To everyone who’s praying for me/us: Thank you so much! Knowing that there are people praying for you is one of the hugest blessings – remember that when you feel weak.

Ok this is way too long but I love you everyone and I will see you soon!!

Pictures and things

2008-09-27T14:06:00.002-07:00

So here are just a few fun pics from our "Noche Mexicana." First is me with my patriotic rainbow forehead (Chutney's great idea :D). Then is Toby with Luis from the church, and their ridiculous mustaches. Next we have us AIMers with some of the Hernandez family who hosted the night; top, l-r: Oscar, Norma, Chutney, me, Tab; bottom, l-r: Toby, Diego (whose hat says 100% guapo, or hansome, made by Sara), Zane, Sara, Buenaventura, and at the very bottom Eunice. And lastly me with a stickless sparkler - their fireworks (cuetes) are soooo scary! I mean that one wasn't so bad, but they have huge bomb-like ones, not to mention things like roman candles and bottle rockets that they do all kinds of dangerous things with. Yikes.

Well it's been awhile since I wrote much, and this week has been long. We're almost done with Spanish classes at UNAM (yay!) and I'm going to start studying with Chutney, Toby, and the two other AIM girls with Marco, a private tutor who taught Sean Spanish, once a week. That will really help give me more time with people here, and Marco's a really good teacher. Diego and I are going to study the Bible with one of our Spanish classmates from Japan, Momoko. Please pray for that because she knows absolutely nothing about the Bible or anything and so that's a little intimidating to teach someone that new! She's coming to worship with us tomorrow. I'm also going to start LST with another classmate from Japan, Junko (pronouced Joon-koh). Tonight I'm going to the mosque with a classmate from the US who is Sufi Muslim, Eli. She's fun to talk to and I'm interested to go. So in other words, we really have had a good time with our classmates and I hope these relationships continue to grow.

On a harder note, some relationships on our team have been really strained lately. Somehow since high school I tend to find myself in the middle of conflicts such as these. Things are getting a lot better, and I'm very confident that everyone will be reconciled soon, it's just been hard for me to be in the middle when I there's nothing I can do to "fix it" and it's impossible meet someone's expectations. I know all of this is way vague, and I'm sorry, but if you could pray for our team's relationships that would be awesome. We came wanting to be a family (well, because we are). I know that families fight sometimes, it's just never fun.

Ok that's all for now, Chutney and I are going recycling before the mosque, haha. I love you everyone.

New videos

2008-09-18T21:00:00.002-07:00

I still need to put pictures up here like I promised, but if you look on my youtube (brettincasie) you'll find new videos from the fiesta. :)

A post from my sister

2008-09-17T16:59:00.002-07:00

Some of you have probably already read this, but my sister Lerin had a story on her blog about my niece and I just had to share it too:

A few weeks ago, I was shopping at Wal-Mart with Isabella. I try to take one of the girls to the grocery store with me and leave the other two kiddos at home... it doesn't sound like much, but it DOES give us one-on-one bonding time.

As we made our way down the juice aisle, I saw him. He had a cowboy hat positioned low on his brow, and his face was pink and scarred... horribly disfigured from what appeared to be awful burns. His face... it looked painful. My stomach hit my feet as I heard Isabella begin in her cheery high-pitched voice..."Mommy! Look!" she said, with one finger pointing at the poor cowboy.

I braced myself for a question or comment, sure to reach his ears and sting his spirit.

She smiled and waved, as she shouted: "I like that cowboy! I will kiss his ouchies on his face and put bandaids on him. I love him. I will sing for him..."

My eyes filled with tears. When I saw this poor elderly man, all I saw were his burns. But my baby Bella... what she saw was a hurting cowboy who needed kisses and a song.

Lord, help me see the world through the eyes of my baby girl. Help me see and love people as she does.

As I went back to school today, I made my way through the usual crowd at the metro station, and I noticed more beggars than usual today. Lately I haven't had my usual supply of food to give out, and I wondered as I passed by, do I want to give these people something because I really care about them or just because I feel uncomfortable? And as I wished I could do more, I examined my heart. I still don't have answers, but I, like my sister, want to have a genuine love for all hurting people, a love that manifests itself in actions as well as words. Pray for us all to have wisdom as we love people in that way.

rambleramble

2008-09-16T21:09:00.003-07:00

So we just finished a two-day long celebration of Mexican independence. I definitely didn't understand how big of a deal this holiday is until I experienced it myself. Imagine a very enthusiastic combination of Thanksgiving and New Year's with lots of stereotypical Mexican dress and music, plus a lot of shaving cream... then you might understand how amazing this holiday is. haha. I have some videos I'll be posting soon. I'll put a few pictures on here too once people get them on facebook.

To finish out our four-day weekend some of us watched Across the Universe which initiated this train of thought:

One thing (there are many) that links all people everywhere is the fact that we all suffer in some way or another. One thing (again, there are many) that makes these people different is how they perceive and respond to this suffering. Is it God's will? Is it my fault? Is it fate? Is it because of those people over there? And the responses can vary between drowning in suffering, worshipping it in a sense; denying it, running away; participating in it; fighting against it; accepting it for what it is and trying to live anyway. No person responds in just one way all the time, and no person assumes the same cause every time, but certain trends can be learned from religion, culture, or life experience.

I don't necessarily have any conclusion to these thoughts, except that we shouldn't ever downplay others' suffering. Someone may be totally different from you, but they still hurt sometimes, and that's one thing that makes you both human beings. How do you respond? And how do you respond to the suffering of others?

More on this later I think. I should at least try to go to sleep now. As an update, I really did get sick, missed a couple more days of school, and even though I'm on antibiotics my ear still hurts and I still sound like an old smoker woman. Sad. Here's to hoping I really get better soon...

Home(s)

2008-09-10T17:51:00.002-07:00

Everyone has heard the saying, "Home is where the heart is." Kind of cheesy I suppose, and if that's true than I have homes all over the world, places I've never even been before. I like how Coldplay says it better - "Home's places we've grown." That makes more sense. I feel like I have many homes, all of which I miss, and the reason I feel like it's home is because something there changed me profoundly, makes me who I am now. Some of my "homes" I've only ever actually visited, but I still feel this link that I believe will never go away. And I'm ok with that. I think it's a good way to be.

I've been thinking a lot about home lately, but the difference is this time it's not sad. I listen to music, think Lubbock! Tiffany bakes some amazing fish, think Mama/Tulsa! Angela writes me an email, think Carrollton! and so on. I still miss these places, but at this moment it's not with an intense sadness, just with a fondness. I think that's healthier.

Home is people too. Yesterday we had the privilege of hosting the Guadalajara team, and even though they were only hear for 24 hours, it was well worth it. They had to work on visas, but we went with them, and they came to our small group last night too. They're some of my closest AIM friends, so it was really good for me to spend time with them.

Home is tradition as well. Today the AIMers from Guadalajara and both Tlalpan teams sang together with our coordinators. I had this really dorky thought about fantasy-type stories like The Hobbit, how they sing songs about their history, their values, their heroes. These songs are at the root of who they are, as a people. And in a way, isn't that what we do too when we get together and sing songs about Jesus? Sure, they're praises and prayers, but also they are our story, they make us who we are, and we remind each other of these things while we sing.

Well, I think I'm starting to get sick (just a cold, no worries), but I still think I should go to bed extra early tonight. I skipped school today, I don't want to have to miss it tomorrow.

Hard to say

2008-09-08T16:04:00.002-07:00

It's been awhile since I wrote last for two reasons - I've hardly had time to even go on facebook, let alone write a blog; I somehow still feel like I have nothing much to say, and anything I have been thinking about is either too incomplete or not blog-worthy. I still feel this way, but I'm forcing myself to write this now, and I hope it goes well.

I'm so tired politically. I listen to lots of different people with lots of different views, people who are intelligent and whom I respect. I read BBC and watch a few interviews here and there. And it seems that the more I research and discuss, the less I know. I think for so long I didn't much care at all, and now that I want to care, I'm too far behind to make sense of anything. And the hard part is Mexicans and other people from different countries are always asking us who we're voting for, why, what we think about this or that, and I'm just tired. I don't believe in world peace, but I don't want to participate in world violence. Is there another way? I could go on, but like I said, I'm tired of this, so I think that's enough for now.

As I mentioned before, I'm going to Lubbock with some of my teammates in October for our field presentation, and we're all working together on our video. One of my topics for the video is religion, so I've been thinking about what I want to say. This will actually end up being pretty long, so I'll leave it there. Here's what I have so far:

More and more people in Mexico are calling themselves something other than Catholic - Guadalupanos, or worshippers of the Virgen Guadalupe. This is usually the first question people ask when we say we are "Cristianos" - "So you don't believe in the Virgens?"

"Well," I say, "I believe that Mary was a virgen when she gave birth to Jesus. I love Mary and believe that she is a great example, especially to women, in obeying God. I believe in her just like I believe in Paul, Peter, or Abraham. But we have only one Savior, and his name is Jesus."

Well, let me back up. The history of Guadalupe goes farther back than you might think - she's pre-hispanic and pre-Catholic. The Aztecs worshipped a mother goddess, Teteoinan, known as the Mother of all gods. After the Spaniards came, the story goes, an indigenous Mexican named Juan Diego saw an Aztec apparition of the Virgen Mary. She told him she would be the mother of all the Mexicans, and she told him to build her a church in her honor. This all happened on the very same mountain that the Aztecs worshipped their original mother goddess, Teteoinan. And to this day, worshipping her is one of the truest marks of Mexican culture, the Mother of God, of whom it is said "To be with her is to be with God." Many Mexicans don't go to Mass regularly, don't necessarily care what the Vatican has to say about birth control or so on, but I do see shrines to Guadalupe in bus stations, neighborhoods, living rooms...

For all I know, Juan Diego did see a vision of this woman, and she did tell him these things. But let's remember what Paul said to the Galatians, "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting him who called you in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel, not that there is another one, but there are some who trouble you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed. As we have said before, so now I say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed" (1:6-9).

(Sidenote: I am aware that many people feel differently, that Pope John Paul II canonized Juan Diego, but I'm convinced that Guadalupanos are following a different gospel, and therefore need to know the truth about salvation, that Jesus is our only Savior, and our God has no equal, predecessor, or originator. We worship him alone.)

On the other hand, I was very surprised to discover the amount of Jehovah's Witnesses there are in Mexico. Just about everyone I know has a close friend or relative who is Jehovah's Witness. Even if they aren't Jehovah's Witness themselves, many people have been taught and believe that Jesus is not God. This is a different gospel, and they need to know the truth.

So, what I'm trying to say is many Mexicans, just like people everywhere, have been deceived, and need to know mercy and truth. We're here to study the Bible with people and show them these things, to grow with them in these things. And we're inviting you to join us.

3 months

2008-08-27T14:22:00.002-07:00

Today, August 27th, marks three months of our time here in Mexico. Three months ago I was in a taxi-van riding to Sean and Jeni's house, for the first time. Three months ago we were about to go eat at Copa Cabana, which became one of my favorite places for the mango drink. Three months ago I knew almost no one from the church here, I spoke a lot less Spanish, and I didn't know how to get anywhere.

A lot has changed since then, but I still feel like we just got here. I feel a whole lot more at home, but I still feel mostly brand new. Sean says it takes about 6 months to feel really comfortable, and I think we're well on our way.

Spanish class is a lot less boring now that we're talking about subjunctive, something I've wanted to learn better ever since that confusing class period in Spanish 3 sophomore year of high school. Speaking of high school, I was singing the Strokes with Diego and Chutney today. That's happy.

Oh, and I'm officially going to Lubbock with Toby, Chutney, Tiffany, and Sean for our field presentation, October 13-16. I'm so excited! I really look forward to meeting the new class and seeing my friends there. And drinking a Sugarbrown's chai! (Still not quite as good as Shades of Brown, but very close.) Be praying for us as we tell the new AIMers about our field, that we could have another team come next year.

What else... oh yeah, this weekend was really fun. It was really great to hang out with the Cuernavaca AIMers, I especially miss Jennie. The birthday party was great too - Valeria (now 4) actually remembered my name, even though I've only seen her twice. It made my day to see her big smile and her hands thrown up in the air, "Breteen!" All the kids in San Andres are really fun. I painted some faces with Luz, mostly we made rabbit faces. I actually got to rest on Sunday so that was cool too.

Tonight is a rare un-busy night too. I'm planning on calling Kristin (yay!), working on my newsletter, and hanging out with Toby. Thanks for reading and for all of your prayers.

New videos

2008-08-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

Check my youtube account for a few new videos. I actually recovered four of the ones I thought I lost. Of course, I still actually did lose like 15 but hey, 4 is better than none. :)

Today was the first small group that someone I invited to came. His name is Levi and I met him by smacking his face with my backpack on the bus, haha. We've been trying to hang out sometime forever but finally tonight he was able to come to small group. Yay!

Ok it's already my bedtime. I'm looking forward to this weekend - birthday party in San Andres and a visit from the Cuernavaca AIMers!

Music, prayer, and ministry

2008-08-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

It's so interesting to me how much emotion music can evoke. I was sitting at Starbucks last night with Toby (really, this doesn't happen often at all haha) and Thelonius Monk was playing. Now I love this kind of jazz, and it just makes me feel all these warm feelings from senior year of high school. And I'm thinking of all the other music I've listened to recently - Sufjan Stephens and the wonderful glow of Lubbock and Chutney-roommate-awesomeness I feel, Justin Timberlake and the taste of Panera in Hilary's car, Ramsie Schick and the smell of JD and Chrissy's apartment in Carrollton simultaneous with the anxiety of post-GFA transitioning. The list goes on. Every song is either reliving or creating a memory so vivid it's impossible to escape.

Be praying for us here in Mexico, and I'm not just talking about my team. A lot of awesome things are happening, but I'm getting this air of discouragement from a lot of people here at the church. There are a million unique reasons for this, but all the same, things have been hard lately for people I care about. Like I've said before, I know that's life everywhere, but since you're reading this, I know you care too.

And to leave, here's an excerpt from this week's brownbag*:

Last night when I was getting ready for this week’s lessons (she’s way too advanced for the LST book), I was thinking about how it’s not my job to make her believe anything. It’s just my job to make her think about the important things. This is super important to remember when you’re going into ministry – help people think about God. If they’re not thinking, they’ll either end up like the hard soil or the plants that spring up without deep roots. Either way ends up bad. And when the two of us are thinking together, it’s a whole lot less intimidating for both parties. I love this passage in Colossians 4 – “…Pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ… that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom towards outsiders… so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” I could go on and on about Colossians, but I’ll just say pray for our team as we build these relationships and serve people, and don’t underestimate your role in God’s kingdom.

*(In case you didn't know, brownbag refers to the letter I sent to the Lubbock AIMers to read during their lunchtime - it's AIM tradition to pray for each other especially on Wednesdays, so all over the world we eat lunch together and pray for each other.)

Tired.

2008-08-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

This week has been harder for me than others. I think I've had several small disappointments that have added up to me feeling... well, disappointed. I've ended up by myself more than usual too. Sometimes that's nice, but when I'm already feeling kind of sad it's not good for me. The most disappointing thing at the moment is the fact that Rocio, our friend and most consistant attendant of our small group, just started school again and doesn't have time to come anymore. I don't doubt that we'll still see her every once in awhile, but I really liked seeing her at least once a week.

On the other hand, my reading sessions have been going really well. I might have a new student too, but I'm not so sure that he knows any English at all. If not, Sean has a class for beginners I can tell him about.

And I've really enjoyed reading the Bible lately. I'm doing my commentary/study on Colossians and it's so exciting to write out everything that's been in my head for the past several months. Reading Matthew and Daniel has reminded me that I still have a LOT to learn, but in an encouraging way.

Well I'm really tired - we enrolled for our Spanish classes today. Chutney and I are in different classes this time, which is maybe a good thing, but it will be weird. Anyway, I'm going to sleep now.

First day of AIM...

2008-08-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of orientation for about 42 new AIMers in Lubbock. This makes me feel a whole mess of emotions I can't exactly express. Mostly I have this warm glow, as if I am somehow a part of this, like a proud mother or something. I only actually know a few of these people... yet. But a strange part of me longs to be there, welcoming them to a strange and exciting several months, where only half of the things you learn are in the basement classroom, and then off to who knows where? Hopefully some of them will even join us here in Tlalpan in 9 months. Crazy.

It also makes me think of my first day in Lubbock, which seems like absolute AGES ago. So much has happened since then, it's hard to wrap my mind around it all. I've made about 200 new friends (if anything, that's an underexaggeration), read the Bible more than ever before, struggled a lot with different choices, gone half-way around the country and moved to Mexico... it's hard to believe that it's only been a year. Some things are really sad to remember, and others still make me laugh. I mean, that's life anywhere, I just feel like my life's been in the microwave since this adventure started.

I just looked at the new staff pictures - lots of my friends have moved on, but lots of them are still there, ready to bring in the new year. And there are new people too, some I know, some I know of, and some I'll just have to get to know when they all come visit us here in February (if not sooner). I really hope this class gets to know their assistants at least as well as I did mine, because these people are one of the very best parts of AIM.

I never thought it could happen, but Lubbock became a home. And I guess any home makes you homesick sometimes.

Two languages, two lyrics

2008-08-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

My soul cries; my Spirit comforts

My heart
moves when I
miss
my friends, or when they're
mad at
me. (Sometimes I'm just
mad at
myself.) When I can't
master
my emotions,
my helper
makes requests I can't
make on
my own.

Sometimes, when my heart
speaks, it
swells,
shakes, and
stutters a little. I think in these
situations, the
Spirit intercedes with
supplications I don't under-
stand. I

cannot see my
counselor, and yet he
comforts me with his
care. He
can light a fire in my
cold heart. I'm
connected to my father, my brother, be-
cause he
came to me. He's my
covenant, my
conscience, my
candle in a dark
cave. I
call him my hope.
Can I be
content with this? How
could I ask for anything more?

***

Nana para los muertes

Buenas noches, una nana,
Acuéstate, mi amiga.
Dios bendiga a tu alma -
en el cielo le alabará.

Acuéstate, mi amiga,
Voy a extrañarte.
Estoy alegre p'ra el día
Cuando podré verte.

Buenas noches, una nana,
Acuéstate, mi amiga.
No sé cuando va a venir;
ya es tu tiempo p'ra dormir.

My first by-myself adventure

2008-08-07T11:24:00.001-07:00

I'm really not sure how it's been so long since I wrote. Kinda surprised me when I noticed.

Anyway, I'm going to write about Tuesday. Well, first we have to back up a bit. Adriana, one of the girls in the youth group and one of my closest friends here so far, decided the youth should have at least one day before school starts to do something good for the community. I thought that sounded like a great idea. On Sunday we talked to Israel about what we could do and decided to go work at the children's cancer center, AMANC. The only thing that wasn't ideal about this plan was the fact the rest of my team had readers Tuesday afternoon-ish and couldn't come. (I actually had one at 11:00 that I forgot about and asked Chutney to take him for me - he didn't show anyway, haha.)

And so I went all by myself to the "church building" (which is really a party venue / coffee shop) where I met about 10 youth and Israel. It was challenging and fun not to have any Americans (or Brazilians) to fall back on and speak English to. We ended up working in the garden - cutting grass, pulling weeds, transplanting trees, etc. I realized I don't have Spanish garden vocabulary, but it all worked out in the end. I worked mostly with Nancy, one of the first girls I became friends with at camp. She lives kind of far away so I don't get to see her as much. Pray for her if you think about it - there are a lot of things I'd like to talk to her about but can't really do it in Spanish yet.

Another exciting though less enjoyable aspect of this adventure was the multitude of creepy things. The ground was moving for jumping spiders (which, thanks to Ben, I'm only creeped out by when there are more than five), centipedes and ants ("Estes pican! Those sting!" the girls informed me), maggot-type things, new kinds of beetles, I'm sure the list goes on. Worms are no big deal, but these other things kind of got to me after awhile, haha.

And since I left the house at 8:45, and only had a little "gansito" (Mexico's Little Debbie) and a juice box since, I was pretty hungry by 4:30. Working in the sun takes it out of you. But thankfully, after the long walk to Israel's apartment, we ate pizza. I tried a slice with avocado, it was good. And I even made it home without it raining on me - well, except when I was on the bus...

I love my new students and I hate doing dumb things

2008-08-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

So I was planning on uploading videos today or tomorrow but instead through a series of unfortunate events I deleted all of my files. So I lost the videos I was going to post, among other things. Computers and I don't get along very well sometimes.

But more importantly, I wanted to tell you guys about my reading sessions. I love my readers! So far I've met with three:

Lupita is 64 and a proud grandmother of 2. She wants to study English so that she can keep her mind busy, and because she has children living in the States. The LST book is just right for her level, and every once in awhile she reverts back to Spanish for a sentence or two and therefore is very grateful that I know some Spanish. She goes to Mass everyday at 7:00 a.m. and is already a little tired by our 10:00 session. She's already invited me to her 25-year-old daughter's birthday party. She says I'm a good person for being so patient, but really it's a great joy to read with her.

I've already told you a little bit about Grecia, and our first session went beautifully. The book is way below her level, so I prepared two Switchfoot songs to listen to and discuss. There were only a couple words and phrases she didn't recognize and our discussion was really meaningful and encouraging. She has a lot more hope in life than she first let on. I think she's planning on bringing her English school book, and we'll keep doing songs and hopefully some Psalms. I'm really excited to be her friend.

Carlos is also in his sixties and speaks English pretty well. He was very curious about our small group, but he doesn't want to read the Bible himself - he just prefers asking other people questions who already know a lot about the Bible. We have pretty deep conversations, but we sometimes have a hard time following one another. He also has children living in the States.

I still have yet to meet with Mariana, Maricarmen, Marcela, and Antonio. Looking forward to next week!

Skype

2008-07-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

I finally got around to downloading skype on my computer, yay! So...

1) If you have skype and we're not contacts yet, my screename is brettincasie. I'm not really sure how to find people, but I'm sure I could figure it out if you emailed me your screename.

2) If you don't have skype, it's just a good (free!) way to talk, computer-to-computer, with voice and video if you have a microphone and camara. If you would like to download it, that's free too - www.skype.com.

So, I look forward to talking to you guys sometimes. We'll just have to plan ahead to be online at the same time. Easy enough.

Venice, henna, and a water hole

2008-07-28T08:37:00.001-07:00

Friday we went to Xochimilco with Norma and her family and the LSTers. It's the closest you get to Venice in Mexico, if you can imagine. We floated down the little river and ate wonderful food prepared by none other than Norma and Sara themselves, and at one point a littler boat with a marimba (xylophone-type intrument) attached itself to us. Next thing we know, we're dancing the macarena. Who knew that dance would ever come in handy? Toby had his own special version of course, drawing the stares of many other boats. Yikes.

Saturday most of us went to Cuernavaca with Sean to get his van and eat with the AIMers there. Zane, Chutney and I stayed the night. My favorite thing we did was going to the center, where there was a hippie market, Aztec dancers, and a System of a Down cover band. We made some friends - Jennie bought these sticks from a couple of people who were teaching us how to play with them, and we got henna tattoos from this other lady. She's really good with dreadlocks too, but I didn't have time or money for that. Maybe next visit. We also played our new favorite game, Perudo, and I laughed until I cried on several occassions. I had really missed Jennie, and it was really good to see the whole team.

Sunday we made it back in time for church, and to witness four baptisms! I was so excited for Eric, Sandra, Maritza and Luz. The first two are a couple that we just recently met and is living with one of the church families. Maritza is visiting from Vera Cruz, and Luz is one of our good friends here. We don't have a baptistry (since we don't even have a church building), so we have to trek down to the water hole. I felt bad for them as they were trembling in the less-than-clean water, but I guess that's just a tiny extra sacrifice that makes it even more special.

That evening we had our last LST party to say goodbye to Tony, Shea, and Kelsey, and to meet more of our readers. I have six readers for now, but I have only met 3 so far. The one that's on my mind the most is Grecia - she's 15, broken family, bitter towards religion, brutally honest, extremely smart, and really into Tim Burton movies. I can tell that we're going to be friends. :) Along with the LST workbook Tony suggested doing some English lessons with song lyrics and poetry, so I'm looking into some Switchfoot lyrics that can provoke good discussion and maybe some more emotionally-charged Psalms. My first session with her is today, and I have another lady named Lupita tomorrow. I still have to schedule the rest. Be praying for us!

Oh, and one more thing: remember that baby shower I went to several weeks ago? Well we got to meet the baby last night. Immanuel just turned one month old yesterday, and he is precious with his full head of hair. We might be going to their church with them on Saturday, and Ivanna's her mom wants to start some kind of small group. It was really good to see Ivanna again, and her whole family.

People, not objects

2008-07-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

I'll start by telling you guys about Pedro. We met him at the park yesterday, and he had some pretty atypical religious views, like a melting pot of gnosticism, Christianity, and mysticism. His basic point was that you can't know about God by learning in the usual methods, can't learn a thing about God from the Bible (though the Bible is a good book, it's flawed, and can only make you hungry for "real knowledge"). You can only know God through the incarnation of God that is currently on earth (in other words, Jesus isn't unique), by this man teaching you God's NAME, and then you will KNOW God and SEE God. He couldn't really tell us who had taught him, or if he even knew. I mean, he's not entirely fluent in English, but he was good enough for me to be able to tell when he was avoiding pertinant questions.

(As a sidenote, I'd like to say that I was very happy with how the conversation went. None of us got angry or defensive, just curious and inquisitive, and maybe a little passionate. :) But also, none of us were threatened by this conversation, which, looking back on my life, is saying a lot. I can trust in what I've learned, in what I know. No one is beyond the reach of the Gospel, but it's not my job to convince anyone of anything. I love, I listen, I ask, and I share when there are appropriate opportunities. No pressure is necessary.)

Anyway, I have this man in the back of my mind now and I'm praying for him. Earlier, I was also thinking about one of my friends in the States, whom I haveto admit, I still don't really know all that well. I forget that sometimes about people I meet when I fill in the blanks by myself. I thought of what my friend Daniel said, how it's bad to make objects out of people. People are not objects or flat characters in the play called my life. They have big lives of their own with a history and lots of other people that they love (or sometimes hate) and reasons for being who they are, complete with emotions, thoughts, and convictions. And even more basic, but still forgettable, people don't just exist when I see them; they exist even when I haven't heard anything about them in years - doing things, changing.

Then I started reading Colossians and saw how Jesus has a big life too - the image of God, the fulness of deity, the head of the Church, our Redeemer... and I'm thinking, how could I ever limit this person, God himself, to being a baby in a manger? A dying man on a cross? Even an empty tomb? All of these things are a part of who he was, who he is, but to think that's all is to be very foolish indeed.

So what I'm trying to say is, in order to really know anyone you have to be willing to admit that there are many things you don't know about them and be willing to learn those things with time, respect, and understanding. This is one way we can be compassionate. And the same, to an extent, is applied to our relationship with God - willing to admit there are things we don't know, willing to learn more, willing to understand. This is respect. And how are we to be renewed in his likeness if we never find out how and why he feels and acts the way he does? Little by little, we get to know someone. And if we desire, little by little, we become like someone. May my desire always be to become like Christ.

2008-07-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that one of the little things that makes me the happiest is when our washing machine sings to us? It's so cute and it always makes me smile. :)

I don't have a lot of time, but something is better than nothing.

2008-07-19T11:05:00.001-07:00

So we've been really busy! There's a group from Atlanta, GA here and we had a VBS at one of the missionary kid's schools. It was exhausting (children are so hard to understand!) but I'm glad I was able to help. I met a 92 year old lady at Wednesday small group, and I couldn't understand hardly a word she said to me either. At one point she started crying and I had no idea what was going on, but she was talking about God's good gifts so I think they were good tears. This situation kind of motivates me to learn more Spanish, but I think even if I were fluent I wouldn't be able to understand her, haha. Oh well.

We also started a small group on Thursday with some LST students. I think it will be good to have a group at our apartment to invite friends to. We spoke a lot more English than I expected, but maybe once the LST team has to leave we'll speak more Spanish (they don't know Spanish at all). I'll miss the LST team, seems like they haven't really been here that long. I'm excited to start doing LST sessions too though.

I'm going to learn to sew now with Sara, our Mexican grandma. But first, lunch.

Videos

2008-07-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you guys know that I now have a youtube account. That way I can upload videos for free, and everyone can see them even if you don't have a facebook. The ones on facebook take longer to view anyway. I'll let you know on here when I upload new videos. Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/user/brettincasie

I have friends!

2008-07-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend was spent getting things done (getting a couch, a toaster, etc.) and resting (aka reading Harry Potter). Yesterday was really long, mostly because we didn't eat lunch until about 5, but I think yesterday was the first time I was very aware that I have friends here in Mexico now. Miguel hung out with us yesterday, his sisters want to hang out sometime, I was talking and laughing with Clara and Grecia, and I would have seen Chely on Saturday if she didn't have to work. I have people that I miss when I don't see them for awhile, people who I can call and go do something if we get the chance. It makes me really happy to remember that I don't have to be awesome with Spanish before I can have friends.

Also, I've been struck with the thought lately of how God is good. We were singing with the church yesterday, "Yo se que Dios es bueno" (I need to figure out how to type accents...) and I just thought, you know, that's really profound. That's quite a thing to proclaim. A lot of people don't believe that God exists, let alone is good, or don't define good in the same way. God is good, and worthy of my trust. That's been important lately. I've missed home some these past few days.

But like I said, I have friends, and that's a huge step. And our apartment looks a lot more like home now - we have the last bits of furniture we were planning to get, and we decorated and cleaned up clutter. So now I'm sitting at a table/desk and all my family is looking at me through frames and it's great.

Now I'm going to go make good food and go to the park to visit the LST people.

El Campamento

2008-07-11T09:07:00.001-07:00

We're back from camp, yay! Although it was great, I'm not gonna lie, I'm glad to be home. :)

We left early on Monday and got home yesterday evening. It was like a 4 day small group, or intensive Spanish class, haha. I did my first Spanish devo that was all of 7 minutes, maybe. :) And I had some legit conversations with some of the people, which was great. Some really encouraging things were the three baptisms (be praying for them, Misael, Beatriz, and Alberto) and my idea to copy off of my old youth group camps with the encouragement notes went amazingly well. The kids were so positive a lot of the time, and sometimes it was hard to get them to focus, but I think I noticed that more this time since I was a bit more "in charge" whatever that means. :) There was a pool, but it was inexplicably cold and rainy even though we were off the mountain. All the Mexicans swam anyway, but us AIMers were babies. haha

One funny story is about this one guy, Alexis. He's the one who gave us all nicknames when he met us (mine is chonguitos because of my hair) and he wanted me to give him a nickname. I'm horrible at giving nick names, so I just pointed at his Jack Skellington wristband (from the Disney movie, Nightmare Before Christmas, he's way popular in Mexico) and said "Well, you've got Jack." He said "If I were a woman, I would marry Jack" hahahaha so I responded, "Ok, you're Sally then" (Jack's girlfriend in the movie). Not sure if that's the kind of name he was going for, but there you have it. The rest of the time Chutney and I spent singing Sally's song to him. "I sense there's something in the wind..."

So this weekend's objective is to get a couch. We're starting small group here on Thursday so we definitely need to get our apartment entirely settled by then. We've also got a pretty big group of high school juniors and their parents coming from Kentucky in a few days.

And now I'm off to go read. And mop.

An excerpt from a book - not meant to offend, just to provoke your thoughts, which I would love to hear.

2008-07-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw, Jesus for President, pp 280-283 [bold is my emphasis, everything else as is]

Immediately following the Al Qaeda attacks of September 11th, President George Bush proclaimed, "Our responsibility to history is already clear: to answer these attacks and rid the world of evil."

[...]

Ridding the world of evil by violent means only creates and sustains evil. This is the point of Jesus' politics. The parable of the weeds and the wheat [Matthew 13:24-29] is among the clearest illustrations we have of how Jesus deals with the evil of the world.

Cutting against our scientific modes of thought, hope in God is an essential part of Jesus' politics on ridding the world of evil. As the parable of the weeds and wheat illustrates, Jesus understood the destruction of evil to be not in human hands but in God's hands. Though such an understanding could be abused in a number of ways, we can't get around the fact that Jesus' nonviolent dealing with evil is founded on an eschatological hope. Jesus had faith in how God ultimately deals with the world.

**Footnote: The popular definition of eschatology must be broadened to include this present life, not simply the end of the world. John Yoder writes that eschatology is a "doctrine of what is ultimate" (Yoder, The Original Revolution, 52), and, "The eschaton, the 'Last Thing,' the End-Event, imparts to life a meaningfulness which it would not otherwise have. ... This is what we mean by eschatology: a hope which, defying present frustration, defines a present position in terms of the yet unseen goal which gives it meaning" (53). Yoder goes on to distinguish eschatology from the fashionable moneymaking work of "apocaliptics," which speculates on dates and the shape of things to come: "[E]ven when an apocalyptic type of literature occurs [in the Bible], preoccupation is not with the prediction for the sake of prediction, but rather with the meaning which the future has for the present" (54).

The New Testament view of God's ultimate dealing with the world is Jesus' second coming. Jesus has been known as the "one who is coming into the world." Christians claim he embodies hope for the wonderful world to come. He represents the coming justice for the world. Christians claim that all of the hopes for saving (or "healing") the world are satisfied through the coming of the expected one. Jesus came, he healed, he lived the kingdom, and he was killed. And yet, even when the one who is awaited finally comes, hope and expectation are not quelled. Expectation is again raised: Christ will come again. To have this hope is to politically apply the parable of the weeds: don't pull out the weeds but wait until the harvest.

The practical point of the second coming is not to look up at the sky in expectation (1 Thessalonians is written largely against this misguided hope) but to live in a certain way. The second coming imparts political and practical meaning and shapes the way we view the world.

Hope for the second coming is not just about hope in Jesus; it is about having a hope like Jesus'. His hope in God is on display in his parable of the weeks: trusting that God will sort out the evildoers. Living in hope of God's coming to us purifies us, for we live not impulsively or rashly but with the sense that matters are ultimately in God's hands. "Leaving things in God's hands" is an often abused and quaint phrase that many seem to think means "don't bother with doing anything, because Jesus will come someday and undo all your work anyway." Or even worse, some might say, "Let things get worse in the world, then Jesus will come back even sooner."

"Leaving things in God's hands" should rather be used to mean "do what Jesus did." Follow Jesus' example without regard for whether you are effectively "changing the world." Jesus demonstrated what it means to leave things in God's hangs. So if we want to know what it means for us to trust in Jesus. we should ask what it meant for Jesus to trust in God.

"For it is commentdable if you bear up under the pain of unjust suffering because you are conscious of God ... When they hurled their insults at im, he did not retaliate, when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly." -1 Peter 2:19, 23

We're done!

2008-07-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today was our finals day for our "super-intensive" first term of Spanish. Yay! I even ate a Milky Way to celebrate, haha. For my oral topic I got to talk about Guadalajara, so that went really well. I got a B in the class, but we still have to go back tomorrow to get our grade reports. And our class is going out to eat on Saturday, so that should be fun.

Periodically I feel inexplicably nauseous, like tonight at small group. I think it could be the altitude still - sometimes people take a long time to get over that. But overall I'm doing really well health-wise.

Speaking of small groups, we're going to start having one at our house, primarily for inviting the Let's Start Talking (LST) readers. LST is a program where English speakers help others with their conversational English skills by listening to them read aloud selected passages from the Bible and asking questions about grammar, vocabulary, and comprehension. Best of all, it's totally free for the readers, something that's always very shocking. :) There's a group of three instructors here from Montana. They'll be here for a month, and we'll help follow up with their readers.

If anyone is looking for a book to read, Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne is very thought-provoking. I'll write more about that once I finish. I also really liked Philip Yancey's Where Is God When It Hurts? He looked at suffering from many angles: how Jesus is a God who chose to suffer with us and to work against it, how God can use suffering as a "mega-phone" to tell humanity that this world isn't how it should be, and also how suffering has a looking-forward value. He also talked about how to respond when you or someone you love is suffering. A new favorite quote: "Faith is believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse."

Ok I think that's about it for now. I'm going to try to get videos up on my facebook this week, maybe I'll figure out a way to share those type of things here too. I've been bad at visually documenting things thus far, but at least our newsletter has a lot of pictures, right? :)

Oh, one more thing, camp starts on Monday and we're having a meeting to hammer out details tomorrow. If you could pray for us, that would be awesome. I've never had to organize camps before, and a lot of us are nervous. Thanks!

Grass Valley + Guadalajara

2008-06-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

This weekend Chutney, Toby and I went to Guadalajara to visit the AIMers there and to be with the Grass Valley group for their mission trip. It really was exactly what we needed. We got to work with kids there, do skits, sing and pray together, encourage each other with what God had done in our lives and with his word, have worship this morning sitting on rocks in someone's back yard, and so on. While I was trying to scheme a way to stay longer, my more responsible team mates urged me to return for class tomorrow.

I think one major thing that happened for me this weekend was restoring value to our work here. I was reminded after a long week that I'm useful right now, even when I'm not done with Spanish classes, even when I'm not totally "settled in." And the sacrifices I'm making by being away from people I love are meaningful and worthwhile.

It was amazing to see another part of the body here in Mexico, and I'm so grateful for their work. It was amazing as well to be appreciated for the work we're doing too.

This is a very rambly blog and I'm sorry for that. Just know that I had a wonderfully rejuvenating weekend and I love the church in Mexico and in California very, very much. And you know, everywhere else for that matter. :)

A little better all the time

2008-06-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

Spanish has been going well these days.

Last night at small group I was even able to say a few things without making Sean translate for me. :)

What was even better, after group I had a really good conversation with one of the ladies, Sara. She had mentioned how she tries to reach out to her sister who's not a Christian, who's always having a hard time. Sara tries to help her and to talk about God but she never wants to hear. I was telling her just how when I feel really bad for someone like that I just have to remember how God saved me, and God saved all of these people (fill in the blank with a really, really long list) whom I love. I have to believe that God loves everyone even more than I do, and that helps me to trust him for the people I love most. Jesus is the only savior, and no matter how hard I try, my only job is to direct others to him. She went on to talk about how she prays every night for her sister and her daughter and told me more about their situations. It was SO good to be able to encourage someone like that.

I even had a dream with some Spanish last night. However, Diego reminded me that some people say when you dream in another language, that means you're fluent. Whoever says that is a liar. Haha.

Two more things:

I'm going to Guadalajara tomorrow! I'm praying that even if travelling doesn't go smoothly, it's at least not disastrous. I have to admit I'm slightly nervous. But I'm SO excited to see everyone there!

And I'm feeling a lot better these days too. I miss my mom a lot when I'm sick, but Jeni fills in nicely when I need American over-the-counters, and love. She's awesome.

And now I pack.

And I have paint in my fingernails

2008-06-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

Some people are just naturally talented at certain things, such as music, painting, or poetry.

I, on the other hand, just act as though I had these talents, take up the challenge, and occasionally end up happy with the results. I have long sense forgone the internal battle of wanting to be "the best" at such things. That's just a silly robbery of joy. There are more important things to be concerned about, anyway.

We're painting our apartment, but not like most normal people. We painted a mural where either an entertainment center (or a shrine to Mary - we're not quite sure) is supposed to go. I just finished my part - the branches (purple) and leaves (turquoise) of the tree. The only time I used a brush was to stir the paint.

Tiffany and I still have no idea what we're doing in our room, but I'm sure we'll figure that out eventually.

***

This weekend was really relaxing and restful, which was just what I needed. However, if you're already praying for me, I've been experiencing a lot of pain concerning my digestive system. I think that's the nicest way I can put it. So yeah, it would be nice if that were over. :)

Why am I here?

2008-06-20T15:28:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I woke up with a semi-panic attack. Not sure why, but two things were occuring - I instantly felt really stressed, and I couldn't breathe well. It was the feeling I get when something really bad is happening, but this was for no apparent reason. When I took my inhaler, I got "the shakes." But I got better pretty soon.

This morning, I didn't wake up panicked, but I did know why I felt stressed - our midterm was today. And on the way to school, I started to feel really bad about sins from my past. I think revisited guilt is my own special brand of culture-shock manifestation. 1 John is really helpful in those times because God is faithful to forgive us when we confess our sins.

So while I was trying to focus on my Bible, the guy sitting next to me was listening to Shania Twain's "I feel like a woman" on his iPod, really, really loudly.

Times like that make me stop and ask myself "Why am I here?" It's not pessimistic - it's my way of reminding myself, even when I feel like crap, what is my purpose? I look at the faces of the people around me, and I remember. I'm here to listen. And I'm here to be heard.

The Shania Twain was awful, but it ended up making me laugh. Sense of humor is so important. When we were walking from one bus to the next, I heard "Bittersweet Symphony," which was great not only because it replaced Shania, but also it reminded me of Kelli's 90s music night in Grass Valley, and of the glorious fact that I'm going to Guadalajara and seeing those people in just a week! I think that's just what I need.

The test went better than I thought it would. My brain went completely numb when I saw my oral test topic, and I felt like I did poorly, but I got a good grade. Go figure. The written part consisted of many vocabulary words I've never seen... but we'll see how that went next week.

Also, a couple of us talked to this lady on the bus. I've been wanting to talk to people in transit, but I'm always afraid that we won't understand each other. Now I know there's no reason to be afraid. So what if I mess up my Spanish? I mess up my English all the time! :)

Three things

2008-06-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm really tired and need to be asleep, but I have three things to say:

1) I made the best sandwich I have ever eaten yesterday, with the cheapest vegetables I've ever bought. Tomato + avocado = love.

2) I really should have taken a shower today... but maybe I won't go back to sleep tomorrow morning.

3) Chutney, Toby and I finished our newsletter. Yay! If you're not on our mailing list and you would like to be, give me your email address and I can make that happen.

Love you everyone!

...por que?

2008-06-15T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have a special Mexican story for you:

We have a friend named Ivana, a neighbor of Sean and Jeni's, fifteen years old. She's about to have a baby, and her baby shower was yesterday. All of us girls chipped in for a present (3 onesies and some diapers),but only Chutney and I planned to attend. It was supposed to begin at 4:00, so we went at 5:30, because nothing starts on time here. However, we were informed that the party had been postponed until 6:00, so we should come back "whenever we want." We returned at about 7:00. We ate some food with her aunt and grandma, met her brother's friends, and met people as they came. At about 8:20, we went upstairs to tell Ivana we needed to go. The baby shower still hadn't actually started, but we were both really tired and Chutney had a stomach-ache. But they wouldn't let us leave. "This is her baby shower, we haven't played games! You're going to go to sleep at 8:00??" haha. So we hung around until about 10:00 before insisting that we needed to go. We had fun, ate good food, and made a new friend. But the fact that it started 4 1/2 hours late really cracks me up. Yikes.

Again, can't wait until I can have an unbroken conversation. But I'm learning to be patient with myself. Hopefully we'll hang out with one of the girls in the youth group, Clara, this weekend. I'll invite our new friend Ave (short for a name I can't pronounce or spell). I like the fact that I'm actually making friends here. It's really hard, but it's making me feel more at home. I think something I didn't realize about the language barrier is that it prevents me from completely being myself. I'm looking forward to being able to joke, to explain myself, to ask deep questions, etc.etc.etc. But again, I just need patience. They're more patient with me than I am with myself.

In other news, two people got married this morning at church. Well, let me explain. In Mexico, if you don't have certain government papers, you can't get legally married. Because of that, and sometimes because people just don't want to divorce their previous spouse, there are many "married" couples that never were actually married. So we had a ceremony for two couples this morning. It was a beautiful service - I loved the fact that they literally tied a knot, and all the singles (first girls, then guys) played a sort of London Bridges game. There was a group from Kentucky visiting, and I'm pretty sure they thought I was Mexican. I take that as a compliment.

And finally, I cannot for the life of me figure out why Mexicans think it's ok to ask me why I don't have a boyfriend. Seriously, any time people find out I'm single they ask "Por que?" How do you answer that? Even the Mexican girls I worked with in Tulsa asked me that. Weird.

Ok, that's more than enough for now. First full week of 6-hour Spanish classes, coming up!

Communication

2008-06-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, a whole week. We finally got internet in our apartment yesterday, so that will help me update more often again.

The small group with the youth went well, but I wish I could get to know the youth better. I just have to be patient. The longer I'm here, the more I value meaningful communication. I know Spanish a bit, but I can't have a deep conversation, or really even a normal one. And there are periods that my brain goes completely numb to Spanish.

So! That means I'm really glad that Spanish classes started yesterday. Seriously, I am so very grateful to my supporters for giving me the opportunity to take these classes. They help a lot, I can already tell. And it's been cool to meet other people from the US as well as people from all over the world - Korea, Japan, Italy, Canada, Holland, Haiti, Russia...

And while I'm talking about being thankful, can I also take a moment to tell you how incredibly grateful I am to you guys who are praying for me? I don't know if you've ever experienced this (I sincerely hope that you have), but when I know that people are praying for me, I can feel it. If I start to despair about any given situation, that knowledge alone reminds me that God is with me and that I have a purpose. That's not to say that I feel happy all the time, but I definitely feel empowered and loved. And those two things can make all the difference.

Let me know how I can pray for you too, ok? God hears us - isn't that astounding?

I have a home!

2008-06-06T07:50:00.001-07:00

So all the girls just slept in our apartment for the first time last night. :) It has 3 bedrooms (me and Tiffany share the master bedroom), 2 bathrooms, a nice kitchen, lots of living space, and a little backyard. When I first saw it I was amazed because it's better than the one we had in Lubbock, and I didn't expect that. It's definitely within our budget, and it will be perfect for having small groups or people stay with us or whatever. All of our furniture is pretty low to the ground, so it has almost an Asian feel. :) Instead of couches we're using these nice comfy (cheap) mats. I like it a lot. And we're planning on painting a mural in the living room, and maybe bits in other places too.

We still don't have our fridge delivered yet, so no food, and no laundry machine yet (laundromats here are all full service, so it's much more economical to buy a machine and do it yourself), but we have mattresses and we'll have bed frames soon too. We have a little pretty coffee table, and we're trying to decide what more furniture we should have. We're getting our dining room table from someone for really cheap, so that's a blessing.

I don't think any of us have ever had to start from scratch like this before, so it's been a stressful adventure. It feels gross to spend all this money on things I always take for granted, like brooms, trashcans, mattresses, etc etc etc. And when we all have to consider one anothers' preferences and our budget and so on, it's even more difficult. But it has been fun too - feels independent. And it was nice to finally unpack. :)

I'll also add that small groups have been really great too. Wednesday night we all shared some encouragement with one another. I read Colossians (of course haha) 1:3-6. We really felt like a family, and I think we learned from each other. Then last night we sang a lot. I was thinking a lot about 1 John 1:5-10, especially v. 9. Lately I've been discouraged about sins from the past, and so this verse reminds me that God is faithful even when I haven't been. When we walk in the light, Jesus' blood cleanses us. That's wonderful news.

Expecting the unexpected

2008-06-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

Going to Sunday morning, feeling like you know less Spanish than you did the last time you were in Mexico.

Being the only AIMer back at the house, sitting in a room full of people you don't really understand...

Lo and behold, a mariachi band enters...

And once the rest of your team and basically the rest of the congregation come, you are dragged onto an impromtu dance floor with someone who was 5 seconds previous, a stranger.

After some fun at the park, you meet some ADD teenagers who feed you chips that taste a bit like vomit and show you a video on youtube that makes you want to vomit...

All while being extremely brain-dead and tired...

And yet when you try to go to sleep, crying in your pillow for an hour instead, about things that had absolutely no relevance to the day.

Wake up the next morning, realizing that instead of leaving at 7:30 we're now leaving at 6:10 and you now have 30 minutes to get ready with three other girls and one bathroom.

Going to a preschool before your adventure at the high school, where all the kids run away from you...

and there's no toilet paper in the tiny bathrooms.

Going back to the high school to find something completely different than you had envisioned for their English day, not being able to hear everyone...

Where kids are acting out smoking joints for a skit about hippie culture...

And your teammate kicks a guy for getting too fresh. (haha)

And again, no toilet paper.

Go to a house, where there is toilet paper, but no flush.

Stab a mango with a spear and get yummy mess all over yourself.

Fall asleep on the long ride home and suddenly jolt awake to find a stranger next to you, to whom you decide to offer gum.

***

If you're feeling sorry for me, you got a very wrong message from all of this. Mostly these things made me laugh. (That mariachi band was priceless!) Mexico has been exhausting these past couple of days, but I'm growing to appreciate it even more than before.

I'm just very excited for our Spanish classes, haha.

A mystery

2008-06-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

"Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church, of which I became a minister according to the stewardship from God that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known, the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints. [...] that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. [...] At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison[...]
—Col 1:24-26, 2:2-3, 4:3

Our job as Christians, and even more so as "missionaries," is to proclaim this mystery - that Christ is in us, and this mystery is for everyone who responds to the gospel, God's word.

So for right now, most of us have very little knowledge of Spanish. And many people we talk to have very little knowledge of English. But even now, even before we take our Spanish classes, we can proclaim this mystery by being something different than the spring-breakers that stereotype Americans, by just being here and showing them that yes, even people from far away love you, our brothers and sisters.

Sometimes, in contrast to a relativistic world, I forget just how powerful encouragement really is. In Colossians 4:8, Paul sends Tychicus to Colosse "for this very purpose, that you may know how we are and that he may encourage your hearts." For right now, that's what we're doing in Mexico. And for right now, that's enough.

Cell phones, small groups, and stinky feet

2008-05-30T17:34:00.000-07:00

So the last few days have been kind of hectic, but not too much. Since I'm in kind of a routine again, it's been easier to make time for devotion which is great. In the mornings we've still been doing devotions with Sean and Jeni, telling our life stories, and going through orientation.

Away from the house, we went to another small group. Toby really bonded with the toddler, Natasha. It was so sweet to see them playing. It's been good to be reminded that even if we don't know Spanish well, we still can make friends and make an impact. One of the guys we spent time with during our trip in February, Miguel Angel, was at small group last night. He's our first good friend, especially for the guys. He's thinking about AIM for next year, so pray for him as he tries to decide what's best. Also, pray for Israel and Nelly, the other missionary couple here. His grandma just died and it's been hard on them.

We also bought cell phones (which took a long time! haha) and have been looking at apartments still. All the walking has been great, but my feet stink a lot!!

Tonight there isn't a small group, so we're just hanging out at Sean and Jeni's. Tomorrow we'll hopefully finalize some things with apartments. I'm really excited for Sunday, and for Monday when we go to the high school we helped with in February. We're doing some kind of English tutoring activities. I had a great time last time we were there.

Until next time...

We're here!

2008-05-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the mishap with the blog - at least it's fixed now. :) But we're here! And it's great!

Right now the girls are staying at our coordinator's (Sean and Jeni's) house. Their kids, Sarah (9) and Phillip (8) are always striving to entertain us. Right now I can hear their keyboard in the background. :) I love this family and am so grateful to be working with them.

The boys are staying at a house that they may end up renting, next to the house of one of the families at the congregation. We went to their small group last night. Norma will be our mom away from home, I can already tell, and Sara our grandma. We didn't get to meet their husbands yet, but Norma's son Oscar went with us to the high school when we were here in February. Last night was a good time of worship, discussing Scripture (Matt. 15:1-20) and practicing my very limited Spanish (our classes start June 11th, I can't wait!). Oh, and eating. :)

The food is great, of course. I am going to have to adjust to this food schedule though, mostly revolving around one BIG lunch. :) Mango juice is still my favorite. And the taco place we went to put lots of avocado on top, mmmm. Oh, and I tried cactus! I liked it at first, but then I wasn't so sure haha. Like sour green beans.

I guess I'll leave it at that for now. Pray for us as we continue looking at apartments. The girls may have found the right one. There's a LOT of room, but we're planning on having people stay with us often, and already are planning on hosting an LST (Let's Start Talking) girl for all of July. And Toby already is sick to his stomach, so remember us for that too.

Love you everyone!!

Our team video

2008-05-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is the video we had during our cultural lunch presentation. It's pretty long, so it's in 3 parts.

1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B78_XtzfV9s
2- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2ds8L1Zjl0
3 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FdbZScIOR8

This is the one with our pictures from Snyder, TX, our AIM challenge week location. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAJnF0a871o

It's been awhile

2008-05-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't been a regular blogger in over a year, and it's been hard for me to write lately. But I want to do this - I think it's good for me and more importantly I hope others will appreciate what they read.

And so the AIMing in Mexico blog begins. :)